Home Satire How to Write Your Very Own Muslim Post-9/11 Victimization Article
Home Satire How to Write Your Very Own Muslim Post-9/11 Victimization Article

How to Write Your Very Own Muslim Post-9/11 Victimization Article

Just as no murder trial would be complete without the murderer's family showing up in court to explain why they are the real victims, no commemoration of September 11th would be complete without a lot of articles explaining why Muslims are the real victims of their own killing spree.

"Are you a Muslim? Have you been discriminated against by ignorant rednecks, christers and zionists? Do American flag bumper stickers offend you and do bigoted security officers harass you when you walk into an airport wearing a t-shirt with Arabic letters and a bomb belt? Then call the law offices of NBC, CBS and CPUSA to get the justice you deserve!"

Islam is as American as Couscous and suicide bombings, and this September 11 there has been a flood of articles from Muslims explaining how they're not remotely terrorists and that we're horrible bigots for thinking that-- and how if we just understood that it's our fault that their terrorists are trying to kill us everything would be sweller than a June moon in July.

In the interests of reaching out to Muslims and letting media outlets outsource the work of composing these things from Muslim Brotherhood affiliated university grads to cheaper labor in China; I've broken down the typical Muslim post 9/11 victimization article into a basic template that anyone in Shanghai can reproduce.

1. I was a typical America who grew up in _________ , listened to ___________ and played _________ along with my American friends and had a crush on _____________.

e.g. "I grew up in a typical American town in New Jersey where we all played basketball, rushed home to watch Saturday morning cartoons and I had a crush on Farrah Fawcett.  See I'm an ordinary American just like you and there's no need to suspect me of anything.

"I love Bruce Springsteen and sunny days. And if you could just take this suitcase along with you on a plane. Security always harasses me because they're so racist. Me? I'll be catching the next flight over. Have a nice trip. Bye American friend, let's play some B-Ball next time we meet, if you still have enough arms and legs left to do it with."

2. Every time there's a terrorist attack I feel bad about it because people become more bigoted against Muslims.

e.g. "When I turned on the news on September 11, my first thought was I hope it isn't us. And then it was us, and I knew that now we would be discriminated against even more in this incredibly racist country. As people jumped from the towers, I thought, why us, why does everything bad have to happen to Muslims.

"But then I thought that on the bright side, suddenly there would be a major market for writing pieces describing how awful September 11 made me feel, not because anyone in my family died, but because of all the negative attention directed our way. Which was totally unfair, because nobody in my family killed anyone... in this country... yet."

Swap out September 11 for the Fort Hood Massacre or for any terrorist attack and it's the same story. The common thread in these recollections is that the Muslim or Muslimette hears about a terrorist attack and their first reaction is self-serving pity and then outrage over the discrimination that will follow.

The reaction is downright sociopathic in its complete lack of empathy for the actual victims, and Oprahesque in the immediate transition to victimhood for something that did not even happen to you. Casual readers may take in these accounts without really paying attention and treat them as Muslim condemnations of terrorism. Actually they're the murderer's family whining about how inconvenient the terrorist attack was for them.

This is inevitably followed by the essay writer launching a career to explain to Americans why they should stop being a bunch of dirty ignorant bigots.

3. My friends know I'm cool, but sometimes I get stares on the street as if people think I'm a terrorist.

"Things were great before September 11, no one associated Muslims with terrorism. At least no one who watched the news, read newspapers, a history book or Ann Landers. But suddenly a few people die and everyone acts like I'm going to kill them. Which I'm totally not, until I finish my flight lessons.

"My buddy (Insert Generic American Name Here) says, "Hamid, I know you're great, but some of my friends wonder if you're a terrorist. But I defended you and said, Hamid is no terrorists. He's an American like the rest of us. He likes basketball, video games and beheading infidels.

"At the airport, everyone stares at me like I'm a terrorist. No one stared at white people after the Oklahoma City Bombing. Sure there's a lot more of us who are terrorists and killing infidels is in our religion and when we go to airports, we deliberately talk loudly about setting off bombs and then sue when we're thrown off a plane-- but come on. Stop being so racist!"

Again, the Muslim response to September 11 boils down to "Me, Me, Me. Why don't you people ever think about how your overreaction to the mass murder of your people made us feel?"

It's the reaction of a clinical sociopath... or the member of a religion which teaches a level of disregard for people who aren't Muslim men that creates cultural sociopaths.

4. If you identify the terrorists as Muslims, then the terrorists win.

"People sometimes ask me why Muslims kill people, and I tell them that these people are not real Muslims. The Prophet Mohammed (FBUH) taught peace, love and understanding. But these are extremists, just like there are extremists among Christians and Jews who behead people.

"When you call Muslim terrorists 'Muslim' then you're giving them what they want. Al-Qaeda is thrilled when you identify them as Muslim terrorists. If you called them Christians or Jews, it would really upset them. And if you called them Jewish dogs, that would really outrage them.

"The best way to defeat the terrorists is not to identify them as Muslims at all. And ignore them. Just pretend they don't exist and go on with your lives. After a while they'll get tired of killing people and leave... or take over the country."

This ridiculous argument is absurdly convincing to politicians and law enforcement who sagely nod their heads. If we took it seriously, then we shouldn't have called Communists, Communists, because it's what they wanted to identified as. Or call any ideology by its name.

5. If you just understood why we want to kill you, then maybe we would stop killing you.

"Sure the attacks were awful. Lots of people dead. I can relate, because your war machine has murdered hundreds of millions in Afghanistan, Iraq, Palestine, Somalia, Australia, Antarctica and Mars.

"If you want to understand why the terrorists who aren't Muslim and whom I don't identify with in any way want to kill you, then go look at your foreign policy. Your foreign policy makes people who aren't Muslim furiously angry. And then they convert to Christianity and Judaism and try to kill you.

"I don't make any excuses for these Christian and Jewish extremist dogs, but if you looked at your support for Israel, which enrages them, your sanctions against Iraq which killed over three trillion babies and your discrimination against Muslims, which also enrages them-- then maybe you would understand why people who aren't us want to kill you!

"Gaza has turned to Cannibalism because there's no food or game shows! Drone attacks have killed every single zebra in the the forests of Afghanistan! There are hardly any Muslims left alive in Iraq after they committed suicide because filthy American uniformed females forced them to wear women's underwear on their head and their families honor killed them.

"Look at what your murderous foreign policy has done and then try to understand the terrorists who are not actually Muslim or terrorists-- but just good hardworking people who became radicalized because they see no way out except to get an engineering degree and then kill a bunch of people for reasons that have nothing to do with the Koran in their bomb vest pocket.

"I'm not saying that terrorism is right (though it totally is) but on September 11, maybe it's time that Americans tried to understand why people who are nothing like me hate them and want to kill them for reasons that I just spelled out, but completely don't agree with."

Congratulations if you have made it this far, then you are ready to write your own victimization article. This is a booming field with great promise. Unfortunately it has been recently outsourced to China due to CAIR budget cuts. So please enjoy the following Muslim victimization article from Abdul Hamid Hwang.

"I am typical American, greatly enjoying sports and marauding teams, girls many, this day not good. Many die, we killed them but not responsible because aliens did it, also foreign policy Jews. American foreign policy bad? Why America in Taiwan? Why America try to undermine unity of China?

"Muslim not responsible for anything including Farrah Fawcett. We peaceful people, not kill anyone most days of the week. When I see towers fall, I very upset, but then I realize now Americans will give me job writing how much I not hate them, then I happy, but then I realize long lines at airport, then I said, but then I realize each time plane kick me off, I make millions, and I happy again.

"Terrorism is very serious issue for Muslim. Many people misunderstanding the Koran which not call for murder and violence, but for m'urder and v'iolence. Careful reading important is. Forex. And you can enlarge bank account with three easy steps.

"Is important to understand that Muslim peaceful but angry, like stone that is on fire, or lake into which we pour toxic chemicals and throw in political prisoners as scientific experiment. Is wise not to offend them because they have oil, until we have many carriers then we invade them and take their oil and put them to work making soap dishes for Wal-Mart.

"Muslim not kill anyone, please remember. Also please not call Muslim terrorists, Muslim, or feelings hurt and then they kill more. All good people know terrorism bad. Peace for all world. And get the hell out of Taiwan!"


  1. Anonymous14/9/11

    It may be satire, but a brilliant analysis of all those articles.

  2. Only the officials don't harass them at airports only their victims get harassed.

    The guy in the first photo looks like Happy Buddha

  3. Thanks. It's meant to break down the elements.

  4. miriam15/9/11

    I really wish someone would point to a country and say "this is a Dar al Salem", I want to see this salem.

  5. "Farrah Fawcett?" My, my you are of age! (Me too remembering her) Could I distill from your words that you have only a minor liking of Muslims?

  6. Broadwood15/9/11

    Love it, love it!!! Especially:

    "Drone attacks have killed every single zebra in the the forests of Afghanistan!"

    Characterises so beautifully all the ignorant, bleeding-heart drivel trotted out about the Palestinian issue too.

    Another strike out! :)

  7. brilliant! well done ;-)

  8. Anonymous15/9/11

    You nailed it. And made me laugh and feel angry at the same time.

  9. Yet another one that is "Spot On!" you really hit the nail on the head re: these bleeding heart, me first, so called "moderates" who have nothing but time on their hands to write drivel for the NYT and others. Made me both laugh and mad at the same time... now get out of Taiwan... Priceless!

  10. revereridesagain15/9/11

    Miriam, Salem is in Massachusetts, next town over from me. They had "witches" there 300 years ago, which is still fueling the tourist economy. On Halloween they get 100,000 people at the street party. I'm thinking of going in hijab but wearing my Mo Da Bomb t-shirt this year and see how long it takes me to get arrested for a "hate crime".

  11. In response to the persecution of people of other faiths muzzies are practicing all over the world, in every last one of their islamofascist pigsties right now, in the 21st century my former lieberal friend told me: "Christians were just as bad."

  12. Just read this bit of news. I am shocked at the implications. We could be seeing a huge shift in Israeli geo-political alginments.


  13. I think that guy meant home run rather than strike out. At least hopefully he did.

  14. Kristin Solo15/9/11

    Perfect- LOL!
    Burkha babes & bomb belts R US!
    If you don't laugh you'll cry!
    Islam has no moral compass.
    Its tenets are designed to achieve Islamic supremacy any which way possible!
    Inbreeding and indoctrination has produced a primeval mindset within Islam that drives the hordes of Allah on their hell bent mission of do or die, convert or kill
    in the name of the moon god !
    Who can reason with Luna-tics?

  15. Anonymous15/9/11

    Great job!!!

  16. Broadwood16/9/11

    Um, yeah, thanks, Sam - I meant strike as in bowling, not strike out as in baseball!!

  17. Anonymous16/9/11

    Satire or not, on the BBC in 2008 I was watching a British journalist, the Saudi zone, interviewing a nice young Saudi lad saying: " My religion is friendly. Why can the world not see that?"

    Of course she was wearing a full headscarf.

  18. 3. My friends know I'm cool, but sometimes I get stares on the street as if people think I'm a terrorist.
    So I thought, if 18% of Americans are atheist, then that means that more than 56 million people are not being properly chastised, not even enslaved! There are 10 times as many of them as there are muslims, but they can run around looking cool and even though everyone knows that they all worship satan really, they manage to remain unrecognised.
    So how come nobody thinks to make them the victims? What makes a muslim so recognisable? Is it because we dress even better than the Jehovah's Witnesses? Is it because of our unkempt beards? We are very careful not to let people photo our women, even teaching them to use violence when necessary, so how come everyone seems to recognise them as muslims almost immediately? Perhaps we could learn from the atheist community** about how to be inconspicuous and fit in.
    ** even if they will all burn in hell or get killed when we take over


Post a Comment

You May Also Like