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Saturday, June 24, 2006

America has Global Warming FEVER!!!

It began with that Academy Award winning actor Albert 'Fishbreath' Gore whose astounding film, 'An Incontinent Truth' revealed to us that in eight months and three days the entire planet will burst into flames if it's not immediately coated with asbestos and now all of America has Global Warming Fever.

Scientists who have done extensive research on the subject after they read about it in a New York Times editorial discovered that much of the world suffers from a hot phase known as 'Summer.' Archeological and anthropological records reveal that this phenomenon known as 'Summer' was recognized by ancient societies for thousands of years and often coincidences with plagues and famines. While the disgustingly well-off Westerns societies remain insulated from such phenomena by their adoption of exploitative measures such as prosperous democratic societies, vaccinations and scientific agriculture, much of the world continues to suffer through this plague of summer.

As you can see on our computer generated simulation (projected in 3D) portions of the world begin to heat up during the period known as 'Summer' or 'Saisona Inferna' in Ecuador. During this time temperatures can rise as high as 100 degree Fahrenheit or 520 degrees Kelvin. Scientists estimate on their pocket calculators that if 100 degree temperatures were to continue daily everyone would be forced to wear pith helmets and cotton clothing and polar bears would have to take jobs in air conditioned shopping malls to survive.

Liberals now are the most terrified they've ever been since the passage of the Patriot Act when they were afraid that the government would gain access to library lists and find out that they took out 'Foreign Relations for Dummies' three times last year alone. 4 out of 5 members of the Sierra Club report having nightmares about melting iceberg that can only be stemmed with dams made of non-biodegradeable materials. Daily viewings of 'An Incontinent Truth' have been accompanied with sales of adult diapers at the door as environmentalists soil themselves in terror at the sight of Al Gore's giant face proclaiming the end of mankind as we know it.

Still many incomprehensibly refuse to adopt his 'Atlantis' solution of using atom bombs to blow up all of human civilization while enclosing Berkeley in shrink wrap and sinking it underwater to perpetuate civilization and feed the dolphins. Still despite the naysayers, 'An Incontinent Truth' has grossed nearly 3 million dollars at the box office. And that's just from repeat viewings by the same 3000 people. However Al Gore isn't stopping there unveiling proposed plans to film a sequel, 'The Passion of Al Gore' in which he's brutally crucified and tortured by Jewish factory owners who blow smoke in his face. The only holdup so far is they can't find a cross big enough to accommodate him or have any idea how they'll get him off once he's up on it.

Sadly in all this hubbub and commotion, Gore and Co. are obscuring the real threat. In 800 thousand years the sun will go nova incinerating the earth and all of mankind with it. Stephen Hawking has pointed out this inconvenient, or even more inconvenient truth, out as well. Even more disturbingly our best research indicates that every human being living on earth today will die within a century. Our leaders have yet to address this pressing issue before they too die, to be possibly replaced by a ruling body of super-intelligent squirrels. While the environmentalists are obsessed with the lifespan of icebergs, they ignore the fact that no matter how the icebergs calve or don't calve, they too have only decades to live.

While the Sierra Club and the Nevada Club and the Andes Club insist on putting forward endless solutions for saving the earth, all of which involve growing lots of hemp, none of them will keep their minions alive when their paranoid delusions brought on by hemp smoking convince them that the only way out is to sell out their country to Islamic Terrorists so we can be saved from the wrath of the calving icebergs.

And all the while we discuss what sort of SUV Jesus would drive (Cadillac Escalade with On-Star), no one discusses what sort of motorcycle Buddha would want (Kawasaki Ninja) or what Mohammed wants for his birthday (Jihad gift certificate for 1 billion infidels dead), more black children are being murdered in Darfur because it's more politically correct to bomb White Serbians on behalf of White Muslim Bosnians than to bomb Arab Muslim Sudanese on behalf of Black Muslims, Animists and Christians; even though the Serbian genocides were a lie and the Sudanese government won't stop until it has massacred millions.

Such inconvenient truths are unfortunately too inconvenient for the people who get their morality from Noam Chomsky essays and their politics from Vermont bumper stickers. The corpses of entire villages ethnically cleansed, women with their arms chopped off and 6 year olds outfitted with guns and turned into killers are just as inconvenient for Liberals when they take place in the Sudan as in Iraq or the Palestinian Authority. Inconvenient facts, like Jesus' SUV, are in the eyes of the beholder. And the same people who soil themselves over calving icebergs have nothing to say about Communist China's large scale destruction of the environment or the fact that much of the pollution is actually coming from the third world, but turn into paragons of self-righteousness when confronted by an SUV. And then they fly off to visit relatives across the country without even checking to see if their jet plane is fueled by environmentally safe hemp.

Unlike Microsoft and Operating Systems or Carrot Top and Annoying, no one side has any monopoly on hypocrisy. Conservatives have spent decades arguing that there would be no environmental problems if buisnesses were allowed to do anything they want. Liberals have spent the time since 2001 arguing that there would be no terrorism if we just appeased the Arab world. There's a certain peculiar marketing genius in taking the cause of a problem and then trying to sell it as the solution. The kind of genius that should get you locked up or shot. The Conservative solution would give CEO's large profits they can use to buy crystal fountains and give us the 21st century equivalents of Thalidomide babies. The Liberal solution would give self-righteous jerks who hate their daddies a feeling of finally triumphing over everything that represents the hated patriarchy to them, and give us an endless parade of terrorist attacks.

The irony though is that when elected and given a chance to really tackle the problems Conservatives quickly shifted from flag-waving and rewards for Osama's head to multilateral diplomacy, international peacekeeping and nation building; a Democrat's solution. While when elected Liberals quickly shift from alarmist 'Sky is Falling' rhetoric to ignoring the problem altogether, an entirely Republican answer. So in the end it doesn't matter who you vote for. Most of the time it doesn't even matter if you vote. Much like Jury Duty, all we really need is to have a thousand random people assigned to vote while the rest can stay home and have another beer, and the averages will factor out the same anyway.

A thousand years ago devout Christians believed the world would end and only the righteous who tithed to the Church, scourged themselves, practiced chastity and ate no meat when they weren't supposed to would be saved. Today environmentalists believe the world will end and only the righteous who donate to the Sierra Club and affix the proper bumper stickers to their cars, practice Zero Population Growth and eat a strict Vegan diet will be saved when Gaea encompasses their spirits into its energysphere awaiting the rebirth of the New Atlantis.

The sad truth is whether the icebergs melt or a few million people die in Africa, the world will go on much as it always has. Millions are born and millions will die and go on dying. Few of us alive today will even live long enough to find out the consequences of the choices humanity made without really making and which no amount of bumper sticks could influence. And whether the oceans rise or Mohammed's Jihad gift certificate comes due, the cold comfort among all the global warming fever can be that we won't know how it ends anyway.


  1. Anonymous24/6/06

    You can mock me son, but in the end I and my friends will live in a clean, cold world while the rest of you are in the hothouse inhaling the greenhouse gases of the noxious things you do!
    If I am elected president I will enforce environmental law to the hilt. Mark my words
    its only a matter of time til the spotted owl and the snail darter are more important than the likes of you!

  2. Anonymous24/6/06

    You'll never be President you overgrown wooden-faced buffoon! Your spotted owls and snails are no match for my legions of flying monkeys who will assault voters and carry them off to my castle in the mountains for social reeducation.

  3. Anonymous24/6/06

    Wow you get some real nutcakes posting on here Sultan.
    I dont post stuff like that.Here in my languid palace in Shambala, I live a relatively quiet life , secluded with my pet slaves and my quasi-human army ..which will soon invade Quandarland.

  4. Anonymous24/6/06

    None of you can be President. The Presidency is mine!

    I bled in Vietnam. So badly I needed a Band Aid! I had ouchies. The White House must be mine.

    And if I don't get it this time, I'll take Quandarland and rule it with a velvet fist. You may have armies of slaves but I have Heintz Ketchup. Lots and lots of ketchup.

    You'll never survive.

  5. Anonymous25/6/06

    A thousand points of light, stay the course, a thousand points of light stay the course. No orderly..NO!!1 I dont need those pills no no no..get away from me.

  6. Anonymous25/6/06

    come back to bed George, you know you're not allowed to be up after 9!

  7. All these "Chicken Littles" need to spend time in upstate NY where we experience summer, autumn, winter and spring. The earth isn't falling guys! Honest!

  8. Anonymous26/6/06

    Wow, oh Wow! I haven't laughed this hard since I don't know when. It was in the momentum, the rhythm, the bounce of sarcasym.

    Was lemon-lime somewhere in here?

  9. thank you neshama, it's closer to my old style pre-blog writing which can tend to get too serious sometimes

    a break can be a relief

  10. Anonymous26/6/06

    Lemon is always in the mix. Muwahahahahahaha!!!!

  11. I didnt write this article if that is what anyone is thinking. :)
    I am innocent of that. lol



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