Home Satire We're Americans, We Don't Torture
Home Satire We're Americans, We Don't Torture

We're Americans, We Don't Torture

We are Americans, we don't torture. To torture would lower our moral standing, knock us down from the moral high ground into the muck of sordid violence. Our enemies may torture us, mutilate us and behead us-- but to pour water on one of their terrorists makes us no better than them.

And why else are we fighting them in the first place, in order to protect our own citizens... or to be better than them?

Clearly we are fighting to be better than them, that is why as Americans we do not torture.

We are Americans, we don't kill civilians. At least not since 1941, 1952, 1973 or 1999. Instead we let the terrorists take shelter behind civilians, we let the terrorists kill our soldiers, we sacrifice our own lives to avoid causing any collateral damage. No matter the cost we cannot cross that line, or we will be no better than monsters and war criminals.

No, we must keep dying and we must keep letting the terrorists win. Better that a 1000 US Marines should perish, than that a single enemy civilian should die in one of our bombing raids. We are Americans, we don't kill civilians.

Fight back against the terrorists? Do you even realize what you're saying. We are Americans, we don't fight wars across the globe, not unless they're first approved by the UN. And then we call them peacekeeping missions, which are completely different because our troops are wearing blue helmets.

We don't set out to intimidate other countries or act like some sort of international bully. Yes our enemies may behave that way, and yes if they feared us, perhaps we could save thousands of lives and prevent major wars-- but we are Americans...

We don't fight back.

We are Americans, we don't resist when we're being killed. No we sit there and let them do it. But not before we ask them why they're doing it and whether there's anything we can say to talk them out of it, maybe a really sincere apology or two.

Bomb our cities, behead our citizens, call for death in the name of your moon deity, don't worry about it. We understand that you're angry and in a lot of pain. And every time we fight back, we only make you angrier. So we don't do that, instead we'll let you kill us some more and hope that makes you feel better about all those times when we did fight back.

And if you kill us, after all our apologies, we can be confident that at least we died on the higher ground. Damn straight. Blow us up, behead us or incinerate us-- but you can't do anything to our higher ground. Not unless you use nukes.

We are Americans. We don't fight back, except with strong diplomacy.

Sure we've done some terrible things in the past, that's why we have to make up for it now. We've defended ourselves and the world. We've broken ground on new technologies. We've been an industrial superpower that has brought new comforts, cures and knowledge to people around the world. And now it's time we paid for our crimes.

The crime of imposing our medicine, our culture, our values on people who think women shouldn't be seen or heard, immunizations are part of a Zionist conspiracy and that the perfect world is one where a man in a khaki uniform or in a robe and a long beard tells everyone what to do and kills them if they don't listen.

Our crime has been to bring civilization to people who don't want it. Our crime has been to try and live as free people, and to assume that others would want it too. And much as we can't stop apologizing for it, the only apology they'll accept is our lives. Which is as it should be. After all who are we to question their cultural imperatives?

Forget the War on Terror. Phrases like that imply there are such things as Wars or Terrorism, when we all know they're both constructs created by the neo-conservatives who all but destroyed America with their insistence on fighting terrorism. Forget any kind of war. We are in the age of diplomacy now, of appeasement and of surrender. Because that's the new America, the one that when you say, jump, asks, How High? The one that when you slap it says, Please sir, may I have another.

We don't torture. We don't kill. We don't fight back. We're Americans. The new breed of Americans, no pioneers or settlers or other racist white men need apply here. Move over George Washington, take a hike Teddy Roosevelt. We're sensitive now and the only kind of strong we're interested in, is strong detergent, strong mouthwash, strong positions on global warming and of course strong diplomacy. As strong as diplomacy gets when it's not backed by armed force or a spine.

But damn it, we're Americans. Not the old kind. Not the America of General Jackson who powdered up that gator's behind over in New Orleans. Not the America of Daniel Boone or Davy Crockett, who died standing off at the Alamo, with the very people taking over the country now. Those are all dead white men who didn't spend nearly enough time posing shirtless on magazine covers or getting in touch with their feelings.

We're Americans. We don't need no Constitution. We need blowdried news anchors to tell us what our values our. And our values are that we're Americans, whatever that means anyway. And we don't torture. We don't kill. And we sure as hell don't fight back. We just die.

Which America do you want to be. The new or the old. Which will it be.


  1. Anonymous6/5/09

    "Which America do you want to be. The new or the old. Which will it be."

    The dead.

  2. Good job. Would you mind if I copy it onto my blog?

  3. Anonymous6/5/09

    Great article Daniel and so accurate and frightening. Our nation is upside down...our government is so concerned about our 'image' in the world that we must not waterboard or use 'hate' speech against those who want to annhilate us...yet we have no conern for killing our innocent babies..torture?...watch a video of partial-birth abortion and learn about torture, but that's ok.
    God help us to wake up!

  4. Anonymous6/5/09

    -Mr. Terrorists, where are your friends?
    -They are hiding behind a girl's school, waiting for these little girls to come out so that they can throw acid on them.
    -because Allah said we should burn the faces and eyes of these girls who go to school with Acid.
    -I wish I could torture you the same way with acid or at least give me a little beating and get the names and location of your friends out of you before you harm these girls,but I am a good American and I let you go free and do as your god has ordered you. I dont' want the world to hate me for saving these girls and taking away your human rights of worshiping your own god according to your culture.

  5. Udiyah6/5/09

    The Western world is upside down. Here is what the real world is, what the bleeding heart Liberals intoxicated by the fumes of Change and political correctness need to wake up to. I warn you -- this is nightmare material. I got it from Atlas Shrugs: And Sultan, if you don't allow this post, I won't be 'offended' ;-) No terrorism? Wake up and smell the flesh burning...



  6. Painfully accurate in its depiction of the shallow, psychologically focused logic of far too many leftists today.

  7. Victor Passenheim6/5/09

    We SERIOUSLY have to do something about this sickening state of affairs. I would dare say we're becoming better cowards than even the rest of the world that has gone crazy and now cowers to Islam.

    God help us!

  8. As usual you are brilliant. Shep smith...not so much.
    What will it take for FOX to kick this human refuse to the curb?

  9. Thank you very much! This article should be read in every American home because this country is going down. We gave up our education, universities and mass media to left and moral relativism is primary concept in shaping minds and morals. After this ridiculous war on terror waged by Saudi pawn Bush who sacrificed more than 4000 Americans for nothing, this nation elected enemy of US to become its president. There should be no war on terror. If two symbols of death cult Mecca and Medina would be evaporized, it would be all over. But we are compassionate to murderers. Indeed, those who have mercy to the wicked will not have mercy to innocent.

  10. But I agree - torture should be ended! We should follow the example of the great spiritual teacher, Mahatma Bauer, who said,
    "For our enemies, we should pave the road to Heaven for them; a single 9mm round behind the left ear should suffice".
    Gitmo should be closed after US personnel are evacuated, by applying high-yield nuclear explosions, thus removing terrs, Gitmo, and Cuba from future maps.


  11. Sultan,

    I'm going to reference this great article in Patriot's Corner, as nothing at all has changed since you've written it.


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