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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Future Newsweek Covers

Newsweek Magazine sold for less than the face value of a single issue and it was still too expensive at the price. Now it's using the same marketing strategy as crazy people who ask for change on the street and Michael Moore. Offensive photoshopped covers.

Five years ago if you told someone that Newsweek would be desperately trying to sell copies with photoshopped smear covers of Republican candidates, he wouldn't believe it. If you told someone about it five years from now, he wouldn't remember what Newsweek is anymore.

But for now it's not hard to imagine where Newsweek is heading next. And to save its editors the trouble of figuring out which Republican presidential candidate they want to feature with vampire fangs, here are the future Newsweek covers.

Newsweek political analyst Meghan McCain travels to Iowa, to file a story via her Twitter account for the most 140 characters that absolutely no one except spambots will read.

Santorum: Blood-Sucking Fiend by Meghan McCain

"I hate Rick Santorum so much!!! He makes the Republican party seem like a bunch of stuffy old guys who hate gays which is totally not true! My dad is very pro-gay and he said that he even hopes I get married to one."

Newsweek editors want to assure us that they're not actually claiming that Rick Santorum puts on a cape and drinks human blood after midnight. What they're trying to do is open a dialogue and discussion on whether Rick Santorum is actually the great-great-grandson of Dracula. And drive traffic to the Daily Beast site.

Herman Cain. He's really black isn't he? Daily Beast and Newsweek editor Tina Brown goes for lunch with her friends and discusses with them whether Cain is too black to be president. Their consensus: Americans have no manners, New York used to be more interesting in the eighties and they're too drunk to drive home.

Newsweek editors want to assure everyone that they're not being racist. They're exploring racism. Especially Tea Party racism. If Cain wins it will only be because the Republican party is trying to disguise its racism. And if he loses, it's proof the Republican party is racist. Also New York used to be more interesting in the eighties.

Tim Pawlenty seems really nice. But why is he so nice? What is he hiding?

Salon and Mother Jones contributor Lauren Johnson asks, could Tim Pawlenty really be a serial killer and concludes that while there's no evidence that he is, there's no evidence that he isn't either. Which is suspicious. Isn't it? It could be. After all if Pawlenty isn't a serial killer, then why does he wear neatly pressed clothes and keep smiling all the time.

Newsweek editors would like to remind everyone that they are not actually accusing Rick Perry of being Hitler. But in the interests of investigative journalism, they would like to ask whether Perry might actually be the next Hitler.

Daily Beast contributing janitor, Paul Koltsky investigates whether Rick Perry might be the next Hitler. What he discovers is that almost certainly Rick Perry is the next Hitler, and that he might even be the next Isaac Newton, Pete Seeger and Muhammad Ali.

New York used to be much more interesting in the eighties, that's what Daily Beast chief editor Tina Brown thinks. Then Giuliani came on the scene and made it a boring place filled with small children and fewer corpses on the G train.

How did he do it? Would you believe LaserVision (TM). You wouldn't? Then you're not part of the small affluent demographic of crazy people being targeted as Newsweek's new audience.

Investigate journalist Wayne Barrett proves that not only did Giuliani kill thousands of homeless using the laser implants in his eyes, but the implants were paid for by the rich.

It's been a long six months. Some of Newsweek's staff have already committed suicide. Others are planning to move to Vermont. Its former top investigative reporter is now writing ad copy for Woot. And its janitors have banded together to stop cleaning the restrooms in a protest against political unrest in Peru.

There's insanity in the hallways. Also traces of poodle hair. The coke machine groans and refuses to give up its load. And the phones play a recording backward. Who's to blame? Only one man can be responsible for it all.

No one dares say his name anymore. No one.

It's too late for the Newsweek staff. Save yourselves.

But on a happier note, the planned Obama issue is coming along really well. We've got about 50 photos of him with a halo in the back of his head or around his armpit or in any other remote area of his chakras.

This is the issue that's going to save Newsweek. Or at least raise the sale price of the entire magazine above a dollar. What about selling it for a $1.50 this time?


  1. It's now official, Cthulhu has gone mainstream.

  2. Linda Cohn14/8/11

    You are sooo good Sultan, so very good. Thanks for the laughs in these distressing times.

  3. I wouldn't call Newsweek mainstream these days.

    Thanks Linda, a laugh or two keeps us sane.

  4. That was funny stuff Daniel. Have a good weekend.

  5. Newsweek was sold for $1. I think the buyer is going to lose money on his purchase.

  6. Yeah. I think Tina Brown needs to ask for a refund.

  7. Anonymous14/8/11

    I must admit I agree with Meghan McCain: I hope all RINOs children are homosexuals and are married to homosexuals.

  8. revereridesagain14/8/11

    Hilarious. Be sure not to miss the mini-headlines at the tops of the covers. (Actually, Sultan, it's not Satan, it's "Basement Cat". Srsly.)

    If the Old Ones get together and organize a flash mob, we'll have Cthulligans rioting in the streets.

  9. Great laughs. How about some "Alter"-Newstweek covers of, say Tina Brown, "Colossus of the Old Media Fights Back."

  10. This is what the R'lyeh welfare state gets us.

  11. Yasher koach! Even my thirteen year old son was laughing....and asking me to slow down scrolling so he could read the tops of the mag covers.

  12. Anonymous14/8/11

    It would be funnier if it didn't hit so close to home.

  13. Anonymous15/8/11

    Proof of why it can't sell magazines.



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