Home Live from Beirut: It's the HEZBOLLYWOOD AWARDS
Home Live from Beirut: It's the HEZBOLLYWOOD AWARDS

Live from Beirut: It's the HEZBOLLYWOOD AWARDS

Live from the gorgeous Beirut Hills, location of that famed magic factory of dreams known as Hezbollywood, it's that one night everyone in the Muslim world has been waiting for. It's THE MOHAMMEDS. Those prestigious awards handed out for the best performances and production of faked infidel atrocities against the realm of Islam and its courageous terrorist defenders, wherever they may hide.

First up for best acting performance in a staged attack we had one clear stand-out contender known only by his non-de-plume as "Man in a Green Helmet."

Let's see a clip. The very talented Man in a Green Helmet is renowed for his acting professionalism arriving at the scene of filming even before the attacks happens and remaining for hours and even using authentic dead bodies for proper method acting.

Now for BEST ACTRESS we have Khalida Shahooda.

Khalida may not have a lot of acting range but she has nailed her part of 'Woman in Giant Hijab Mourning the Destruction of Her Home' performing the same part week after week and making it every bit as believeable as the first time. Though in reality Khalida lives in a nice villa outside Beirut, she brings a depth to her characterization that biased Western photographers looking for staged shots can't help but admire.

Next is a very crucial category. Stunt Koran.

The right stunt Koran can incite mobs to trash Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets in Karachi and Mumbai and inspire Newsweek reporters to weep that America has become a Fascist (TM) state. It's difficult to get just the right Koran shot for the maximum amount of fury.

Should it be a Koran on fire? A Koran in the toilet? A Koran in high heels selling itself to passerby on Willshire Boulevard? And the winner is....


Okay now that we have that out of the way, it's time to award the prize for BEST PHOTOSHOPPED ATROCITY.

While staging atrocities can be extremely effective it is also expensive and time consuming. Photoshopping atrocities of the Israeli warmongering enemy saves money and reduces the need for extensive shooting with live models and actor's salaries and smuggled whiskey for infidel Western reporters. Now with the magic of Islam's ancient secret weapon, Adobe Photoshop CS2, we present the winner!

CHARLIE SHEEN'S GIANT HEAD OVER BEIRUT as directed by Adnan Haji. Truly a sight to terrify and enrage the tender hearts of the devoted to the sword of Allah.

Now let's have a few words from the man of the hour nominated for the SADDAM MEMORIAL AWARD, Hassan Abu Ahmed 'Donkeyears' Narsallah shown here prematurely surrendering to Israeli forces. Nasrallah is to Hezbollywood as Spielberg is to Hollywood or Ivan Ivanovich is to St. Peterwood. Let's talk to him now.

ACCESS HEZBOLLYWOOD: You've said in the past that you've been inspired by the work of Francis Ford Coppola and Martin Scorcese among others.

NASRALLAH: Goodfellas! Like Goodfellas! I do trunk scene myself in Beirut. Many times.

ACCESS HEZBOLLYWOOD: So who's your favorite director?

NASRALLAH: Ayatollah Khameni. He direct millions. Kill most. Many dead. I look up to him.

ACCESS HEZBOLLYWOOD: Do you have any plans for your next big release?

NASRALLAH: Many, many projects. Many fake bombings too. Also prestige projects.

Big Pile of Corpses: A Love Story coming in 2006.

Americans Put Underwear On Heads of Martyrs: Vengance (2007)

Gay Dogs of Infidel Zionism Make Shiite Babies Cry (Spring 2007)

Islam is Religion of Radioactive Peace (Winter 2008)


  1. ROFL!!! Hilarious!!! The only thing missing was Joan and Melissa Rivers from the red carpet. LOL

    It's also scary. This is the first time I realised how much my former rabbi looks like nose-rallah. I wonder if it is him? He was a bit strange. (yo sits contemplating the possiblities and decides she's had one too many Frosted Flakes.)

  2. Anonymous9/8/06

    Why do muslims all have black hair?
    They all look alike.
    You would think at least one of them might dye his hair just to be different wouldnt you?
    They all have brown eyes too.
    whats up with that?
    Do they all have the same parents?
    There is just no diversity among those people at all.
    Boring , boring, boring.
    I like a bit of diversity in people.
    Brown, black, red ,blondes.
    Eye color with variations too.
    But no there people all look alike.
    Its boring I tell you.

  3. Anonymous11/8/06

    I had a front row seat at the awards.
    The tears of some of the winners sprayed over me. I have to be checked now for disease.. but that aside I want to say it was a lovely , emotionally stirring night that had me on the edge of my chair.
    thank you for posting this report and may Allah Bless you with all good things.

  4. Anonymous14/8/06

    First good laugh of the day! This redemption is way too heavy and your shot of Charlie Sheen's head floating over Beirut provided just the note of levity (note Hebrew word) needed.

    Please keep it up.Perhaps for Best Screenplay we need the PLO charter or an Al Qaeda manual. Best motion picture: Thousands of Lebanese pouring into the countryside after being let go by their Hezbollese handlers. It's better than the burning of Atlanta. "Why, I never birthed no Katushya, Miz Scarlett..."to paraphrase the famous Butterfly McQueen line.


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