Home Satire Why America Needs Government Health Care Right Now
Home Satire Why America Needs Government Health Care Right Now

Why America Needs Government Health Care Right Now

(Since Daniel Greenfield/Sultan Knish could not post today, we instead present this article from noted health care reform expert Dr. Morder Krankenhaus)

Why America Needs Government Health Care Right Now!

by Dr. Morder Krankenhaus

America is suffering from a most tragic health care epidemic. An epidemic that can be tracked to its reliance on an old and inefficient system of patients paying to see doctors when they get sick. This at a time when every advanced nation such as Cuba and England, has adopted a program in which patients pay all the time and there are no doctors to go to when they get sick. Under this advanced modern system, no one can possibly complain of unfair access to health care because no one has access to health care unless they wait for three days while strapped to a dirty bed in a hospital corridor. Unless they have enough contraband money to afford a plane ticket to America (tfui).

And now even as many Americans cannot get affordable health care, because the government is forcing doctors and insurance companies out of business... many of your countrymen still refuse the idea of a government health care program. But what is so terrible about a health care program run to the high standards of the Post Office and the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Why the worst that could happen is that all hospitals will be closed on the weekend and go bankrupt by trying to use patient bills as investment bonds.

This is part of the natural socialist economic cycle in which government imposes so many regulations on a service that the average man cannot afford it, then turns into a monopoly for the benefit of the people, and then bankrupts it and points at the people and laughs. Yet somehow these ignorant mobs are opposed to this.

But fortunately health care is too important to be left to the doctors or the patients. Why if it was up to them, they would simply exchange payment for treatment, and that would be it. And what would the government and its vast echoing chambers of bureaucracy be left to do, except starve in the streets? Think of it, regulators holding their hats in hand on street corners. Commissars licking spilled liquor up from the gutters. Parliamentarians prostituting themselves in doorways. The horror. The humanity.

Long ago man learned that letting the government do everything is far more efficient than the so-called free market. Take for example our average patient in Europe, who is named Mahmoud, has three hundred children by four different wives (some of whom may also be his cousins), has no job and spends all day praying at the local mosque. Under the clumsy inefficient American system, Mahmoud might have to get a job. This would tragically cut into his time spent cursing America and plotting to murder the infidels. If Mahmoud were forced to get a job in order to pay for three hundred pregnancies, he might never have time to show up at military parades shouting and cursing at Afghan war veterans.

But under the glorious European system, Mahmoud and all his wives and offspring will receive a limousine ride to a hospital crawling with cockroaches the size of Norway rats and Norway rats the size of Mahmoud's own children. Along the way they will pass numerous Afghan veterans dying in the gutters as well as happy British transsexuals whose gender reassignment surgery was paid for by the British taxpayer. After a short stay in the hospital in which his wives will battle various infections, orderlies and giant rats, Mahmoud will cheerfully welcome a bouncing bearded 301'st child, which he will beat to death if it is not a boy.

This triumph of the British National Health Care system is made possible because it consists almost entirely of bureaucrats who have been designated to closely monitor the health and welfare of people who might possibly want to kill them, all the while making up a string of random rules to confuse and confound everyone else in order to prevent them from getting any health care whatsoever. This is because the NHS cannot possibly both provide health care for everyone and jobs for numerous bureaucrats whose only actual tasks involve not doing anything offensive enough to be fired for.

As the progressive field of government health care marches forward, Britain looks forward to entirely disposing of any doctors and nurses and simply warehousing patients indefinitely in locked buildings until they die. Or as people in Latin America call it, "Cuban Medicine."

Of course my contemporaries in Washington D.C. inform me that most Americans are pathologically ignorant swine who spend all day shooting bibles and reading guns. Many of them do not even believe politicians evolved from apes and that the EU was created as a result of a giant mysterious explosion in the cosmos. But surely even they must realize that they have no right to expect to be able to manage their own affairs. Who do they think they are anyway? The government.

Health care is too important to be left to the people who need it or know how to give it. Why otherwise, what's to stop the people from rising up and forming some sort of new and better union that would not require paying fees to the Beeb. No my friends, this will not do. Without government health care, men are nothing more than animals crawling through the jungle, muck on their faces and no properly filled out forms anywhere in sight. And then what's next? People making their own decisions about their care. Families who refuse to pull the plug on their loved ones when they pass 60. Women saying no to mandatory contraception and abortions. This madness must stop before it is too late.

Please, listen to me. Without government health care, who will decide who lives or dies? In the event of resource shortages, who will decide which patients are less worthy of life? I picture the chaos and anarchy of a free market health care system and I shudder. But it is not too late. In the words of one of your great countrymen, "Government health care today, Government health care tomorrow, Government health care forever" (or at least until the system runs out of money, which will probably be tomorrow.)

Dr. Morder Krankenhaus is not a practicing medical doctor, but he does have numerous degrees in Medical Ethics which he uses to compile his lists of who should live and who should die. Also a number of people around his house have disappeared and their whereabouts to this day remain unknown.


  1. I am so hooked on you and your blog.

    I read and read your thoughts.

    aLL MY BEST.

  2. Anonymous17/3/10

    Brilliant post! Absolutely BRILLIANT!

  3. Anonymous17/3/10

    Actually, I am fairly certain that politicians evolved from apes. They just haven't evolved all that much.

  4. Anonymous17/3/10

    Why do all crazy Scientists have german names?


  5. Mikec17/3/10

    SK - You should go away more often.....

  6. Wow! Just Wow! what an amazing article. I guess sometimes it takes a crazy scientist to knock some sense into the stupid people.

    I'll be sure to send a link for this article to all my conservative friends.
    About my liberal colleauges (don't have any liberal friends)... well, why don't you give me the address for Dr. Morder Krankenhaus so that I can send them directly to his office for an immediate and thorough checkup...

  7. Oh I suspect they're in treatment already. Oddly enough it only seems to make them crazier.

  8. Krankenhous! Love this!

  9. "Why do all crazy Scientists have german names?


    Blame Mary Shelly for that. She started it all with Frankenstein.

  10. Anonymous19/3/10

    morder = to die in latin-based language

    krankenhaus = sick house in german-based language

    to die in a sick house...a great summary.

  11. Anonymous19/3/10

    When will Americans wake up and realize it's not about health care reform, Obama couldn't care less about our health care or about any of us at all. It's about the government controlling 1/6 of the economy and having the power to make life and death decisions over us. Read the link below, if you have a very strong stomach...


  12. When the government controls your health care, the government controls YOU. I wish more Americans would wake up to that fact!

  13. This is definitely one of your best, most brilliant satire pieces, Daniel.

    May more follow.


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