Thursday, March 27, 2008
All the Obama News That's Unfit to Print
Pope Considers Obama for Sainthood
In the latest news from the Vatican, Pope Benedict is said to be seriously considering Barack Obama's petition for sainthood, filed on his behalf by what are said to be 500 very guilty white people from Idaho.
As proofs of Obama's sainthood, they cited his ability to make the tone deaf lip sync, cause Republicans to feel bad for Hillary, bring hope and change just by talking about it and heal the sick using only billions in taxpayer money.
The Vatican which has been experiencing problems in its interfaith relations with Muslims is said to be seriously considering shipping Obama his official golden halo via UPS.
Jeremiah Wright Proclaims Hatred for "Snow White Eskimo Bastards"
In yet another outburst certain to embarrass sainthood candidate Barack Saddam Obama, Trinity Church pastor Jeremiah Wright delivered an angry sermon denouncing Eskimos as "Snow White Eskimo Bastards".
"And don't get me started on the white man, the whitest man of all, the Eskimo. He lives among the snow. He gets two thousand a year from Alaska, the whitest place on earth, while the black man in Illinois has to pay taxes. Those snow white Eskimo bastards are out there on our backs just like the Dwarves, the Italians and the Jews. Don't let no one tell you this ain't no racist country. Every damn Mick, Wop, Hebe, Spic, Chink and Jap in Amerikkka is full of racist hate against me just because I am a black man."
Obama declined to comment except to say that Wright's views don't represent his, but that he will continue attending Wright's church with his family and sending Wright's church lots of money.
Obama Strongly Supports Israel's Right Not to Exist
In a landmark speech being touted by Jewish liberals, Arab terrorists and Neo-Nazis alike, Barack Notamuslim Obama strongly affirmed his ongoing commitment to supporting Israel's right not to exist.
"For too long we have not had a real dialogue about Israel in this country," the candidate said. "For too long being Pro-Israel meant being Pro-Likud. I strongly support Israel by supporting the entire comprehensive menu of options for Israel's existence. While many politicians support Israel's right to exist, too few have the courage to affirm Israel's right not to exist, as I do."
Obama's latest speech, produced in consultation with his closest foreign policy advisors, McPeak, Samantha Powers, Zbignew Brezinski, Benedict Arnold, Blackbeard the Pirate and Satan, is said to point to a new direction for the Democratic party.
"Obama's speech was deeply insightful and courageous," said Boged Megadef of the Untied Federation Alliance of Intermarried Limousine Liberals. "I didn't understand any of it because I was busy gazing soulfully into Barack's eyes while pretending he was only speaking to me, but I'm glad that we're all on the same page in supporting Israel's right not to exist."
Obama in 2008 - Chants We Can Believe In