Dear Tiny Minority of Extremists

Dear Tiny Minority of Extremists,

I realize this letter comes to you at a bad time but let's face reality, every time for you is a bad time since the fall of the Ottoman Empire. I don't think the Ottoman Empire is coming back especially because if Turkey joins the EU it will be forced to enact socialism and provide equal rights to homosexuals, eliminating any reason for the existence of an Ottoman Empire.

Right now your current plans to create a World Islamic Empire or Caliphate have run into a little snag, the little snag being that you all hate each other. So far your war against the Great Satan has turned into Wahhabis killing Shiites and Sunnis who don't agree with them. Sunnis killing Wahhabis and Shiites. Shiites killing everyone who isn't a Shiite. Kurds killing Arabs. Persians killing Arabs. Fatah and Hamas killing each other. Iran threatening Bahrain. Turkey and Pakistan on the verge of civil war.

If our governments had any sense they'd just get out of the way and let you kill each other. Unfortunately our governments are very stupid and instead send you money and guns. If it were up to me I would simply send you the guns. Also I would fill the guns with silly putty inside and you could invent a new form of terrorism called, "Suicide Shooting." In America we call "Suicide Bombing", 'Too Stupid To Use a Timer" and "Suicide Shooting", "Too Stupid To Know How to Clean His Gun." But then we're infidel Americans who care about nothing but fast cars, fast food and living until we're 90. What do we know.

Fortunately surveys suggest that death, especially killing each other is how you progress morally. For example the majority of Jordanians supported terrorism and suicide bombing up until Al Queda decided to suicide bomb a wedding at one of their hotels. Now most Jordanians oppose terrorism and suicide bombing, at least when it's directed at them. You thought Al Queda was great when it destroyed the World Trade Center. After Al Queda blew up enough Shia mosques in Iraq, you aren't as fond of them anymore. It's not much but it is progress.

We are of course greatly impressed by the strength of your religious devotion, but like Jimmy in the fourth grade who likes to dissect flies with a pencil, we only wish you could find some other way to express your potential that doesn't involve killing things. Yes I know Muslims give charity and make pilgrimages to Mecca and pray five times a day. But you seem to give charity to terrorists, make pilgrimages to Mecca to hear rants about killing the Western infidels and I don't think whatever deity you worship really wants to see your asses once a day, let alone five times a day. Just saying.

Finally we really appreciate your attempts to impose your culture and your religion on us. Especially since they happen to be our religion which you stole and then turned inside out because apparently desert nomads can't read but they can steal. But just to help you out, here are a few simple tips. First of all there is nothing wrong with being around a pig or a picture of a pig. Just in eating one. If you don't eat a pig, you're okay. Porky won't hurt you if you don't eat him. You don't absorb pig by osmosis. It's a medical fact, you just don't.

Women are not the devil. I know it's an easy mistake to make when your only contact with women comes from seeing their shrouded forms moving ghostlike on the other side of the street. If women in America looked like black ghosts I would be scared of them too. Fortunately they are not. Also we allow non-Muslims to hold public office. And we try not to stone them. These are important differences you should make a note of when you move to our countries.

I know you find many things about our countries and cultures offensive but here is one thing we find offensive about your culture, killing people. Please don't do it when you move to our country. I know your Imam told you it's a religious duty. We don't care, you're still not allowed to do it. Not even if Porky converts to Buddhism and hits on your sister. It's still against the law. If you absolutely can't control yourself and must kill someone, please use the included gun filled with silly putty we provide you.

Sincerely yours

The Civilized World