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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Mad Media and Jewish Dogs

Last week the BBC reported that a Jewish court in Jerusalem had ordered a dog be stoned to death. Shortly thereafter they modified the story slightly to say that the court had actually called animal control to have it taken away to the pound. As stories go, this is obviously a dog of another color. There is no word on whether the dog was sent off to keep company with the GPS Shark, that Egyptian media claimed had been trained by Israel to attack swimmers. But it wouldn't surprise me at all. Those Zionists are capable of anything.

There is a religion that has it out for dogs. Mohammed, the Prophet of Islam, ordered the killing of dogs because in his theology, an angel will not enter a house with a dog in it. Apparently they also prevent angels from entering taxis, because Muslim cabbies are leaving blind passengers stranded by their refusal to carry seeing eye dogs. It's a pity that so many angels are in need of a ride, that in London and Minneapolis, the blind are having trouble getting a cab.

But then the Islamic religion is such an elevated thing that its sanctity is so easily broken. As Old Mo is quoted as saying in a Hadith,  "When one of you prays...a dog, an ass, a pig, a Jew, a Magian, and a woman cut off his prayer... if they pass in front of him at a distance of over a stone's throw". Those of us who happen to be Jews, women or amateur Magians can take comfort in knowing that the next time a suicide bomber cries "Allah Akbar", we can cut off his transmission to his deity by the simple expedient of stepping in front of him.

Not that the media will touch the subject. There are dogs you stone and dogs you carefully avoid. Jewish dogs get stoned. Muslim dogs get a wide berth from the press.

In the New York Times, the repulsive Ethan Bronner finally got around to conceding that conditions in Gaza may be slightly better than previously advertised. Naturally the Times ran the piece, which begins with the construction of two luxury hotels, thousands of homes and a second shopping mall, under the headline, 'Building Boom in Gaza’s Ruins Belies Misery That Remains'.

For optimists the glass is half-full. For the New York Times, the glass is half-empty and it's Israel's fault. Sure luxury hotels may be going up and shopping malls may be playing Islamic approved elevator music-- but somewhere in Mudville, Gaza, there's bound to be misery, and count on Bronner and the New York Times to find it and bring it to you.

Sure entire Libyan dealerships worth of looted cars have been shipped to Gaza, by way of the new Egyptian democracy, and there are BMW's riding down the street, but the Times sadly quotes, “For the vast majority in Gaza, things are not improving."

Sadly this time around the Times was not able to find this vast majority. Perhaps they're off hanging out with the vast majority of Muslim moderates who abhor terrorism, approve of feminism and want to live in peace with the rest of the world. Or maybe they're trapped incommunicado in Gitmo. You never know.

Still the Times concludes, “Most people in Gaza remain forgotten.” How they can possibly be forgotten when every newspaper in the civilized world won't stop reporting on them? The Sudanese are forgotten. The West Paupans suffering under the brutal occupation of Obama's favorite Muslim democracy are forgotten. So are the Greek Cypriots. But then those groups are meant to be forgotten. The Gazans suffering with their BMW's and luxury malls are never out of sight long enough to be forgotten.

We are meant to forget the victims of Muslim terror, but a Muslim who gets a hangnail can expect a nationwide media profile and then a chance to testify in congress about Islamophobic nail clippers.

And the Gazans with their second story homes and luxury sedans who elected a terrorist regime with a theology so backward it makes voodoo look progressive, are the beneficiaries of so much international aid it would choke a camel. And on top of that they can expect a flotilla of Western leftists to steam to their aid with their thong sandals and fierce devotion to the right of oppressed Islamists to kill people they find religiously offensive without suffering any consequences for it.

The Terroristinian Muslim gangs who call themselves Palestinians are the unwanted houseguest on the couch of the world. They came, they crashed, then they refused to leave. With an entire UN agency dedicated to their welfare, billions in aid money and a media presence rivaling most rock stars-- the 50,000th Times article on them warns us once again that they remain forgotten.

Good Lord! Forgotten? How they can ever be forgotten when they never go away. When they never stop begging for handouts and killing people at the same time. When they suck in money and blood in equal proportions, and then invite photographers down to see the babies that they killed and then dug up for the cameras. Witness our suffering, but try not to take any pictures of us driving away in our BMW's to our newest hotel, La Plaza De Fraude.

Now the media is outraged because Israel has threatened reporters who hitch a ride on the flotilla to beautiful Hamastan with a ten year ban from covering the country. The Foreign Press Associated took a pinch of snuff, screwed in its best monocle and huffed that this, "sends a chilling message to the international media and raises serious questions about Israel's commitment to freedom of the press." As if being allowed to collaborate with terrorists, incite riots, fake photographs and lie, lie and then lie some more-- did not conclusively prove Israel's commitment to freedom of the press.

"Journalists covering a legitimate news event should be allowed to do their jobs without threats and intimidation," says the FPA. But it's only a news event because they're covering it. If they didn't cover it, it wouldn't even be taking place. The media creates news events through its coverage and then demands the right to cover the stories they manufacture. The flotilla is a step up from paying Muslim kids to throw rocks at Israeli soldiers, another 'legitimate news event", but it's not much of a step up.

Should reporters be allowed to try and illegally enter a country to aid terrorists under the guise of news coverage? Why not try and do it to Turkey. Because the Turks wouldn't just threaten a ten year ban. They would hand out a ten year jail sentence. So would the Russians, the Chinese or the Iranians. All of whom get better coverage than Israel does.

If Israel had any sense, it would have given Ethan Bronner, Karl Vick and the rest of the gang the boot, and let them compose their hate-filled scrawls from a hotel on Fifth Avenue. It wouldn't have made any difference in their writing. Seymour Hersh has been writing as a fictional novelist for the New Yorker for some time, while David Remnick pretends not to notice. And that portion of the reading public which still listens to NPR, finds New Yorker cartoons funny, and thinks CNN is too Pro-Israel could enjoy the latest Jewish Court Bites Dog story at half price.

Meanwhile the world's diplomats scurry around looking for a solution. At least in 1942, it was only one European country desperately seeking a solution to the Jewish problem. Now all of them are. With a worldwide economic crisis, revolutions tearing apart the Arab Muslim world like tissue paper, and two dozen pop stars headed to rehab in a convoy at the same time-- the top issue on the agenda is how to go about creating a Palestinian state.

My suggestion is that a Palestinian state should be created the same way the Palestinian people were. By simply pretending it exists and then doing nothing to prove it. If it worked for manufacturing a Palestinian nationality, why not a state. Why not a planet or a galaxy. No one is using Mars are they? Or Europe. The EU has been generous enough to create a Pakistanian state in London, a Morrocanian state in Paris and a Turkistanian state in Berlin, why not share it with the Palestinians?

"A Palestinian state? Certainly it exists. Somewhere around Tower Hamlets I believe, or is it Foggy Bottom? Maybe Strasbourg Saint-Denis? Take your pick and pick your take. Its borders are currently the North Sea and that street in Berlin with all the Halal shops with dirty windows."

And if that won't do, why not the New York Times building? At a spacious 52 stories and 80,000 square feet, there's room enough for a Palestinian state. And what about the BBC's Broadcasting House, or the Reuters Buildings or the New Yorker headquarters conveniently adjacent to Ground Zero. The media business isn't what it used to be, and it would probably be cheaper for the UNRWA to rent out floors for a Palestinian state in the skyscrapers of media companies.

This solution would give both sides what they want most. The media would be directly in touch with the key suppliers of 90 percent of their international coverage. "No need to send Allan or Laura on a jet to Israel to pick up a quote on Israeli oppression. Just take an elevator downstairs to Hamas HQ and try not to get stoned on the way back." And the Muslim terrorist gangs would get access to skyscrapers made out of glass, and also the aid agencies and media that keep their homicidal cause alive and rolling in money.

So why wait, when creating a Palestinian state is so easy. Raise up the red, black, green and white over the Times Building, sing Fidai at dusk and let the UN ratify the new merger of the New York Times and the Palestinian Authority. The media would be eligible for international aid and Hamas could finally win a much deserved Pulitzer.


  1. SK, this is hysterical! I was laughing out loud all the way through and especially enjoying how many of the enlightened you managed to piss off in one post. Kol tov!

  2. I couldn't stand it, I had to find out if there was a real book, "How to Raise a Jewish Dog." There is, here:


    But the rabbis and the theological seminar are both fictional. It is a comedy piece. Would the Sultan care to share his opinion of it?

    About that weird report about the dog being stoned to death. Well, the reports said that the Jewish court claimed that the dog was some reincarnated villain. That was a sure clue that the report was bogus since reincarnation is not, nor has it ever been, a part of Jewish belief.

    If religions can be judged by the way they treat animals, let us congratulate Hinduism and its descendents where, if you are not careful, you might show up again as an animal and keep doing that until you learn decency. Imagine they are right and think of the suprises in store for Muslim terrorists.

  3. thank you CJHS, I could have packed in a few more, but there's always next time

    Paul, there's worst absurdity out there. Google dog bar mitzvahs. Some people have a lot of time on their hands.

  4. http://www.aish.com/atr/a/?category=Reincarnation

    The Aish Rabbi Replies:

    There are many Jewish sources dealing with what is popularly called "reincarnation." In Hebrew, it is called "gilgul ha'ne'shamot," literally the recycling or transmigration of souls.

    Thanks to a google of
    gilgul reincarnation site:aish.com

  5. Reincarnation is not a mainstream belief. It's more popular among some groups than others.

    The only references to it appear rather late and are non-biblical.

  6. About dogs and reincarnation: At the place in Amsterdam where I worked we regularly had a little ownerless mongrel dog coming from the street peeing on the entrance matt near the entrance posts. Sometimes I happened to be near the entrance I than chased him away by shouting. One day it entered the hall way more than usual with me watching it, he looked at me with scorn (I did not yet shout) and dropped something it had carried deliberately inside the door, this item I found to be a rotten fish it had definitely carried for the purpose of insult! This "revenge" happened in such a human like manner that it assured me of the existence of reincarnation.

  7. Anonymous29/6/11

    Ah, the Sultan at his satirical best! Always thoroughly enjoyable.



  8. Another great piece.

    As an aside, you guys might find it interesting (but not surprising) to note that good old Yahoo ran that reincarnation dog/courtroom story as a straight news piece a while back.

  9. Sultan,

    You wrote, "But it wouldn't surprise me at all. Those Zionists are capable of anything."

    I beg you, I implore you, not to use sarcasm that occupies a single sentence. You must habitually add a smiley face or some derivative. Otherwise, it will be quoted out of context and used against the very people you seek to protect. Don't you agree? :)

  10. Irwin Ruff29/6/11

    As usual, the reports have gotten everything reversed. Actually, Muslims are all reincarnated dogs.

  11. Anonymous29/6/11

    Sultan, how do you write there is no gilgul? How would a soul do tikun whithout it? How would you explain mentally challenged or a dying little baby? In the modern Orthodoxy it is widely accepted, in the Hassidism also, so who exactly doesn't believe in gilgul? Is Shimon bar Yohai and his Zohar just a fiction? Or Ha Ari?

  12. There's no mention of gilgul or anything of the kind in the torah or the gemara. The earliest public mentions of this kind of thing come much much later.

    A person needs to do tesuvah and be metaken what he did in his own adult life, not from some past lives.

    Children suffer and die for the same reason that adults do. Because human sin has distanced the world from G-d who is the source of healing.

    It's widely accepted among Chassidim. Not so much among Modern Orthodox. The degree of acceptance of such things is a testament to larger problems. The Ari was who he was. What R. Shimon Bar Yochai really wrote and passed down, who knows. In any case it does not supersede Torah, Mishna, etc...

  13. jew in yellow,

    or it tricks them into thinking here's a sympathizer and then whammo

  14. mindrider,

    that was certainly a dog with a personality, but lots of animals have personalities. Dogs are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. So are many animals. Try insulting a goose ad see what happens.

  15. brenda,

    Yahoo has become a sewer.

  16. Anonymous29/6/11

    Sultan, I disagree, your argument sounds more Christian than Jewish. Original sin? Born in sin? How does a mentally challenged do teshuva? Or the baby? They both don't know what they are doing.

  17. Who's talking about born in sin? Go read the Torah. When people drive away G-d, they suffer as a group simply because He is no longer among them.

    People do Tesuvah for their own actions. If they're not at the level of being held accountable, then it's a non-issue.

    Why assume that someone born with disabilities is being punished for something as an individual. Disabilities happen as part of a natural course, unless there is a Divine intervention that adjusts the probabilities in their favor. Without closeness to G-d, a group or a community merit less of such an intervention. And so a larger percentage of bad things happen.

    The fundamental thing to understand about suffering is what the Torah says, to recognize that it is happening because G-d is not among you. And to understand that this is because we have pushed Him away. Anything that gets in the way of that endangers our communal ability to return.

  18. DG, you absolutely do your best writing when rampant absurdities have set your blood to boiling! PRICELESS delivery of truth and wit. (I only wish that you had time to present this kind of communication on video too.) Blessings be on you and family.

  19. to present it properly on video I would need puppets and a barking dog soundtrack

  20. DG, ha @ the thought! However, you'd only need a video cam with mic, and the gifts which He has already bestowed on you. Reading this aloud *with expressiveness* would be enough. Great stuff, here. I envy your mother ;-)

  21. I don't know if it would be as entertaining without puppets.

  22. DG, yes it would be- as it already IS. Imagery painted to life in peoples' minds is more far reaching than concrete visuals, and your medium is words. As one verse begins: "My tongue is the pen of a ready writer..." Just bobbing your head around animatedly will surpass puppets :-o especially accompanied with hand motions. haha.

  23. Sometimes it seems like the only place I get an alternative viewpoint on the Mid-East and Israel is on Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network (at least that's what I think it's called). The rest of the MSM in the USA seems to be reporting Islamo-nazi propaganda as the truth.

  24. The Only Palestine should be in Helen Thomas' apartment.

  25. DG, I totally agree with you about puppets.

    Nothing really works without puppets.

    Never mind God. We need more puppets.

    I wonder if I'm being sufficiently emphatic about the role of puppets in this world. It worries me.

  26. Anonymous30/6/11

    Lemon, that was very funny!

  27. To anonymous #3 (in order of appearance): While on the surface, the concept of Original Sin may seem more Christian than Jewish, the following Old-Testament quotations ought to give the lie to such a thought:

    Genesis 8:21;
    Psalm 51 (it's totally imbued with it!!!);
    Jeremiah 17:9.

    No doubt there are others, but these are the three that pop to my mind - hopefully they'll suffice to confirm that this concept is just as much Jewish as it can ever be Christian (which here the newer is taking from the former).

  28. @ Irwin Ruff: That is insulting to dogs.

    @ Lemon: Ha! True. Also, Helens' apartment should be on top of a giant sinkhole... (It could happen.)

    @ TBS: I think an awful lot of puppets are already included in this story ;-)

  29. We can never be empathetic enough when it comes to puppets

  30. ADHD,

    I don't really want a religious debate, this entire discussion was not of my choosing

    That said, Genesis says that people develop bad tendencies from a young age. Not that they're born that way.

    Psalm 51 has only one relevant reference, for an explanation of it see Leviticus 12

    Jeremiah 17 simply means that no one can really know what is in another person's heart or even in their own. Only G-d is fully aware of what a person does and his true motives for doing it. A person tends to self-deception, but G-d cannot be deceived.

  31. Puppets! They're all hand-out, no personal initiative.

  32. just don't ask who's behind them

  33. I agree totally with CJ above, your satire is hysterical. And Lemon, don't you mean Palestinian?

  34. No, I mean Palestine. Let them build the state in her apartment.

  35. I thought the religious discussion was particularly interesting.

  36. Anonymous18/7/11

    The Dog had just gotten back from a Grateful Dead concert and there was a misunderstanding about what he said. Then then cat told the pig who told the magician and bada bing...

    Before you know it, the story had gone viral.

    What he really said was "Dude! I was holding court with the ladies at the Dead concert and they was sayin' DAWG, you are like sooo stoned!"



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