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blog"},"link":[{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#feed","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/feeds\/posts\/default"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/-\/Satire?alt=json-in-script\u0026max-results=5"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/search\/label\/Satire"},{"rel":"hub","href":"http://pubsubhubbub.appspot.com/"},{"rel":"next","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/-\/Satire\/-\/Satire?alt=json-in-script\u0026start-index=6\u0026max-results=5"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Daniel Greenfield"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/13575285186581875356"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"20","height":"32","src":"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ywx0Wkms-cU\/Vm75eobzYVI\/AAAAAAAAPg0\/kAlR7rDxOIc\/s113\/picture%2Bnewspapery%2Bsmall.jpg"}}],"generator":{"version":"7.00","uri":"http://www.blogger.com","$t":"Blogger"},"openSearch$totalResults":{"$t":"56"},"openSearch$startIndex":{"$t":"1"},"openSearch$itemsPerPage":{"$t":"5"},"entry":[{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11368628.post-4750643175500435582"},"published":{"$t":"2020-04-18T23:22:00.000-04:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2020-04-27T20:13:14.917-04:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Coronavirus"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Satire"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Idiocy in the Time of the Coronavirus"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-8sWLVz6E_6M\/XqYaRLpLohI\/AAAAAAAAR5w\/wknpZkHm5HoKGD169RDIm4gM4m2qqp_SACNcBGAsYHQ\/s1600\/skimaskmovie.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" data-original-height=\"360\" data-original-width=\"480\" height=\"240\" src=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-8sWLVz6E_6M\/XqYaRLpLohI\/AAAAAAAAR5w\/wknpZkHm5HoKGD169RDIm4gM4m2qqp_SACNcBGAsYHQ\/s320\/skimaskmovie.jpg\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E5:00 AM - The alarm clock goes off at an ungodly hour. I hit it to turn it off. It only plays Beethoven's Fifth louder. So I hit it again and again. Then I wash my hands. I get up, put on gloves, and wash my hands. Then I open the window, look out into the darkness, remember that I got up so early to go shopping. And groan.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI put on my ski mask.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Let's do this,\" I tell my sleeping wife in a poor imitation of Edward G. Robinson doing Al Capone.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThen I wash my hands again.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E5.30 AM - I stagger groggily down an empty street. A huge poster looms overhead. \"Stay at home,\" a cartoon bear dressed in drag announces. \"We're in this together.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI pass a shuttered hair salon. Mucinex has paid some illegal aliens minimum wage to paste up posters on its windows. \"Listen to facts, not opinion. Don't touch your ears. You're safer at home.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's a good thing a major corporation is paying people to leave their homes and put up posters telling everyone to stay home.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIf the hair salon ever does reopen, Mucinex will not be paying to remove its smug thinly disguised ads. That will be yet another burden on another small business.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EA bus passes. Unlike everything else, public transportation hasn't been banned. Its sound system blares. \"Stay home. We're in this together.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Who's we,\" I wonder.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E5:50 A.M. - I get to the local supermarket of a multinational conglomerate that shall remain nameless just as the last of the seniors are leaving with their haul of cardboard toilet paper made in Indonesia.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe line to get in crosses the entire breadth of the shopping plaza. Posters warn that no one without a mask will be allowed inside.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETo promote social distancing, only one person per 1,000 store feet will be allowed inside. Outside, 40 people are lined up with hardly any distance between them.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's illegal to go to a synagogue or a church, but these are the new communal prayers of people crammed into a small space and hoping to be allowed inside to buy food.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd not catch something while waiting.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFinally, Blue America is discovering what life under socialism is like.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E6:20 A.M - The line has hardly moved at all. I consider trying to make a minyan on the line and wonder if my religious activity will immediately be deemed non-essential and I'll be arrested.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFortunately, because of the ski mask, I'm given plenty of space.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI'm the only one wearing a black ski mask in Southern California and I stick out a little bit among the line full of Californians wearing colorful surgical masks as if everyone had fulfilled their mothers' dreams and gone into medicine. The ski mask is a legacy of a trip to Chicago during a polar vortex.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's the only mask I own.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E6:40 A.M - I shouldn't be here.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI'm not short of toilet paper or hand sanitizer. I've been preparing for the apocalypse since I was thirteen. I buy in bulk as a reflex. I have enough toilet paper to last until the election and enough hand sanitizer to be busted by the People's Redistribution Committees going door to door to spot hoarders. Nobody's going to be making toilet paper when we're all living under the cannibal warlords.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBut eventually the soul pines for some fresh fruit. And you can't eat hand sanitizer. Not even if you add lemon.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E6:50 A.M -\u0026nbsp; Someone has passed out inside the store. Two ambulances arrive and everyone is evacuated from the store. A store employee has to pry toilet paper out of one evicted woman's hands. Since the package was ripped, the toilet paper has\u0026nbsp; to be thrown away. There are audible gasps on the line.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThus far, coronavirus hasn't killed anyone in a supermarket, but standing on line has probably sent someone to the hospital.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe posters on the walls of the nameless conglomerate declare, \"We are all in this together.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E7:10 A.M- The line begins moving again. I can hardly see it though. Or anything at all through the mask.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EUnfortunately they're checking not only for masks, but taking temperatures, and wearing a ski mask meant for a Chicago winter in SoCal has sent my temperature rising too high.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Sir, you can't go in,\" a morbidly obese store employee says, spitting out the 'sir' as if it were a poppy seed caught in her teeth.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Why not?\" I demand.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Your temperature's too high. See, it's 99,\" she points one thick finger at a digital readout that actually says, \"Battery low.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"99 is within the normal human range,\" I retort.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Not for nameless multinational conglomerate,\" says the line commissar, who is of that breed meant to be checking id's and telling people that they can't have things while making \"Sir\" and \"Ma'am\" sound like slurs.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"My temperature's only this high because I'm wearing a ski mask. Can I take it off?\" I ask.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Take it off and we can't let you in the store,\" she snaps. \"Now move along. People are waiting.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe line behind me growls with the unfulfilled aspirations of the proletariat for toilet paper.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"I can't get into the store because of my mask and you won't let me in the store without it,\" I follow up, trying to understand the exact logical parameters of the Catch 22.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Yep.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"But the mask is my religion. I'm Muslim.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Uhh go on in.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E7:15 A.M - The store is almost empty except for the produce and dairy sections which are packed.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHungry faces look through the windows, imploring me with their wide eyes to get them some toilet paper.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EA greeter at the entrance puts a jealously guarded dab of hand sanitizer on my gloves and tells me, \"We're all in this together.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Two legs bad, four legs good,\" I reply.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe produce section is reasonably stocked if you like diseased avocados and strawberries that were frozen during the Great Depression as part of FDR's Great Strawberry Reserve project. The only toilet paper is some see-through stuff made from recycled copies of the Whole Earth Catalog. Not that I need any. My neighbor subscribes to the New York Times. The Times isn't on display here, but Prepper Magazine is. I had no idea land mines and MREs were so cheap now.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EEvery 5 seconds, the loudspeaker blares, \"We're all in this together. And sometimes together is apart.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPeople elbow past each other in the produce section. Meanwhile every synagogue and church within 50 miles has been shut down.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThank Newsom.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E7.30 A.M - I only got half the things I wanted. And they're the wrong half. But at least there's no line for the cash register.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI head to the self-checkout line, where plexiglass barriers protect the machine and me from giving each other any diseases. An automatic sprayer hits me in the face with disinfectant and then sprays every single piece of produce I bought with toxic chemicals.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFor my protection.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAfter every poisoned product is scanned and every inflated price is read off, in a smug robotic voice, the self-checkout machine proclaims, \"We're all in this together.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E7:40 A.M - I'm finally out of the nameless supermarket. I weave past a vast line of people. And they begin to cheer as they haven't cheered for any of the \"heroic health care workers\".\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHas the line begun to move? No.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThen I finally realize it. I'm the only shopper leaving the supermarket with no toilet paper. I've left some toilet paper for the starving masses.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFor them.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETears run down my eyes at the tribute.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd then I wash my hands.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/feeds\/4750643175500435582\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2020\/04\/idiocy-in-time-of-coronavirus.html#comment-form","title":"16 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/4750643175500435582"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/4750643175500435582"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2020\/04\/idiocy-in-time-of-coronavirus.html","title":"Idiocy in the Time of the Coronavirus"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Daniel Greenfield"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/13575285186581875356"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"20","height":"32","src":"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ywx0Wkms-cU\/Vm75eobzYVI\/AAAAAAAAPg0\/kAlR7rDxOIc\/s113\/picture%2Bnewspapery%2Bsmall.jpg"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-8sWLVz6E_6M\/XqYaRLpLohI\/AAAAAAAAR5w\/wknpZkHm5HoKGD169RDIm4gM4m2qqp_SACNcBGAsYHQ\/s72-c\/skimaskmovie.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"16"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11368628.post-2477428696749634638"},"published":{"$t":"2015-12-07T21:28:00.000-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2015-12-07T21:32:00.803-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Satire"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"A Date That Will Live Forever in Infamy"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cb\u003ENaval Base Bombed, Shinto Worshipers Fear Backlash - New York Times - December 8 1941\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-YEUMBIcMUh0\/UqPaj9JdohI\/AAAAAAAANFY\/RJGSVCIMjsU\/s1600\/Pearl+Harbor+9.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"259\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-YEUMBIcMUh0\/UqPaj9JdohI\/AAAAAAAANFY\/RJGSVCIMjsU\/s1600\/Pearl+Harbor+9.jpg\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003EA day after planes passed over their peaceful village on the way to attack the Naval Station at Pearl Harbor, local fishermen are still picking up the pieces.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"I don't know what any of this is about,\" a man who would only give his name as Paji said, holding the remains of a net which he had used to earn a living. \"All I know is that the killing has to stop.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn Washington, government officials urged the public to stay calm and not to jump to any conclusions warning that such reactions might play into the hands of the militant extremists responsible for the attack.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EEarly copies of President Roosevelt's upcoming speech to Congress likewise warn the American public of the dangers of overreaction.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"We are not at war with Japan,\" it says. \"We are at war with a tiny handful of extremists who are attempting to drag the Japanese people into a conflict. But we must keep a cool head and not allow them to win by provoking a war. We will defeat this enemy, but we will do it by not fighting them.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EA profile has emerged of at least one of these attackers. Hideki Nakamura, a graduate of Harvard and a talented oboe player, was shot down and captured. Nothing in his background, which included playing for the Harvard squash team, would have lead anyone to conclude that he was capable of such a thing.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EKATANA, a local civil rights organization partly funded by Japan's war propaganda office, has warned that American foreign policy is responsible for the radicalization of such young men like Nakamura.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"What made this man hate America so much that he wanted to bomb it?\" a spokeswoman for KATANA asked. \"How did America fail him? And how can we win him back?\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENakamura's guards have suggested that the pilot is soft-spoken and has pleasant manners, but that he becomes vocally exercised over the American embargo of Japan and the refusal of many universities to install rice paper doors in dormitories. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Detaining Nakamura only inspires others to imitate him,\" KATANA said, suggesting that he instead be released back to Japan where the government is running an anti-extremism program at the Strategic Institute of War that claims to be able to deprogram extremists with a 97% success rate.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-ePq7uAlsv1E\/UqPas3orcAI\/AAAAAAAANFg\/rj555ENrIK0\/s1600\/image014.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"260\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-ePq7uAlsv1E\/UqPas3orcAI\/AAAAAAAANFg\/rj555ENrIK0\/s1600\/image014.jpg\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003EUnfortunately the program, dubbed KAMIKAZE, is unable to accommodate all potential extremists without additional foreign aid funding from the United States government.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"It's cheap for us to spend 3 million dollars fighting Japanese extremism by funding Kamikaze instead of spending 30 million on national defense,\" Senator Earl Hawkins said. \"Studies show that one of the leading causes of anti-American sentiments is unemployment. KAMIKAZE is tackling that.\" \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EForeign policy experts at the Center for American Progress warned that the so-called Pearl Harbor event was the product of decades of American expansionism.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"It's easy for the flag-waving jingoist in the stockyards to rave about the Japs, but this attack did not occur in a vacuum,\" Lester Gore-Vinton said. \"Look at Commodore Perry's globalization venture and the Philippines War and our ill-advised intervention in the Russian Revolution. This is blowback.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAt impromptu peace rallies in New York City's Union Square and San Francisco's Union Square, speakers called for the government to explore all options for peace. Many pointed out that more Americans die every year of shingles than were killed at Pearl Harbor.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"The United States is allied with Great Britain. We have been aiding the Western occupation of Asia,\" Earl Gorber of \u003Ci\u003EWorking People Want Peace and a Living Wage Now\u003C\/i\u003E said. \"The only amazing thing is that it took this long to happen. As long as the United States continues propping up the reactionary imperialists of Great Britain against the progressive movements of the German and Japanese vanguard of the working class, attacks like these will come again and again.\"\u0026nbsp; \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESome were skeptical that Japan had even been behind the attack.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Anyone can paint insignia on a plane and drop some smoke bombs. That's all we've seen on these photos,\" Martha Gabbitz exclaimed. \"There hasn't even been a declaration of war.\u0026nbsp; We don't have a single piece of undeniable proof that there was even an attack. All it takes is a week in a photo lab and the government can produce a picture of anything.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMeanwhile at Shinto temples in Los Angeles, the mood was fearful and subdued. Worshipers refused to give their names worried about the consequences to their families. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"This is madness,\" an older gentleman studying detailed charts of the California coastline said. \"One day you're an All-American entrepreneur studying submarine trade routes to America and the next day everyone is glaring at you no matter how many American flags you stick on your aerial poison gas balloon.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn San Francisco, the 109-year-old Rev. Francis Wheatley-Simpson, famous for protesting every war, including the Civil War, had already declared a hunger strike, even though no American forces were engaged in fighting.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-x9KaPzVkGoU\/UqPaxMV924I\/AAAAAAAANFo\/gcEBqvfo39Q\/s1600\/US_Navy_040120-N-0879R-009_Pearl_Harbor_survivor_Bill_Johnson_stares_at_the_list_of_names_inscribed_in_the_USS_Arizona_Memorial.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"228\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-x9KaPzVkGoU\/UqPaxMV924I\/AAAAAAAANFo\/gcEBqvfo39Q\/s1600\/US_Navy_040120-N-0879R-009_Pearl_Harbor_survivor_Bill_Johnson_stares_at_the_list_of_names_inscribed_in_the_USS_Arizona_Memorial.jpg\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\"War is never the answer,\" Wheatley-Simpson said, as he had said about WW1, the Spanish-\u003Cbr \/\u003EAmerican War, the Civil War and the French and Indian War. \"Love is the answer. Violence never solves anything. America was not built on war. It will not survive through war.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"It doesn't matter what Japan did. There will be war,\" predicted Mason Johnson, author of War is a Farce That Forces Us to Fear. \"We love war. We are obsessed with war. That's why we have a society with such rampant criminality. Our idea of masculinity is to use force on everything. Even our national symbols represent violation and patriarchy. If it isn't Japan, it will be someone else.\" \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMeanwhile on a Topeka street, Barnard Stevenson, an 18-year-old lad blinked in confusion when asked about Pearl Harbor. He likewise could not name Hitler or Mussolini and had no idea where Europe was. He was however able to name the stars of Rocket Assault, the latest big film in which a dashing reporter must team up with the enemy to stop his own government from provoking a war with a false flag attack.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Is this anything kind of like that?\" he wondered when the Pearl Harbor attack was explained to him."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/feeds\/2477428696749634638\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2015\/12\/a-date-that-will-live-forever-in-infamy.html#comment-form","title":"20 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/2477428696749634638"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/2477428696749634638"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2015\/12\/a-date-that-will-live-forever-in-infamy.html","title":"A Date That Will Live Forever in Infamy"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Daniel Greenfield"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/13575285186581875356"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"20","height":"32","src":"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ywx0Wkms-cU\/Vm75eobzYVI\/AAAAAAAAPg0\/kAlR7rDxOIc\/s113\/picture%2Bnewspapery%2Bsmall.jpg"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-YEUMBIcMUh0\/UqPaj9JdohI\/AAAAAAAANFY\/RJGSVCIMjsU\/s72-c\/Pearl+Harbor+9.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"20"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11368628.post-4156579283321241699"},"published":{"$t":"2015-10-14T13:07:00.002-04:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2015-10-17T21:17:24.867-04:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Satire"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Democratic Debate"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-D0nv5lKDGl8\/Vh6L1Tt-QUI\/AAAAAAAAPX4\/1SeOpRFwZaY\/s1600\/demdebate1.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"215\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-D0nv5lKDGl8\/Vh6L1Tt-QUI\/AAAAAAAAPX4\/1SeOpRFwZaY\/s400\/demdebate1.jpg\" width=\"400\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Can anyone find Syria on a map?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: Well Anderson, as a woman...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Can you find Syria on a map?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: As a woman...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Syria on a map. Can you find it?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: As a woman...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Never mind. Senator Sanders, do you agree with the Secretary?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: SYRIA? Why are we talking about Syria when 41 PERCENT OF 99 PERCENT of all the money is going to the 1 PERCENT.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Can you just answer the question.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: Syria is CONFUSING. Lots of PEOPLE fighting. Economics is SIMPLE. You just take away all the money from all the people who have the MONEY. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: The question is about Syria.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: Right NOW the 1 PERCENT are eating BABIES. They have piles and PILES of babies in their MANSIONS and on Wall Street and they're chowing down on them like hungry dogs.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Governor Chafee, you recently suggested making Syrian dictator Assad into the Governor of New Mexico. Do you still stand by that idea?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EChafee: I was always against the Iraq War\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: This is about Syria\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EChafee: I knew the Iraq War was a mistake from the beginning.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: I knew the Iraq War was a mistake even earlier. You want opposition to the Iraq War, I was OPPOSED.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EJim Webb: One minute. I was opposed to the Iraq War in 1992.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: 1992? I opposed the Iraq War in 1922. I opposed the Vietnam War. I opposed WW2. I opposed WW1. I opposed the Mexican War. I opposed the War of 1812.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ELincoln Chafee: Edward Snowden is a hero. We should make a national memorial to the Rosenbergs. Let's apologize to the British for Bunker Hill.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: I was opposed to Bunker Hill. I said back then that the Revolution is all about putting money in the pockets of the 1 percent like Paul Revere and George Washington... WHO EAT BABIES!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMartin O'Malley: I need to say something very important here... in a slow sonorous voice... as if I'm trying to sell you car insurance... over the phone. Somewhere in the audience... is Paul Bigmann who fought in the Iraq War. After the war... he couldn't get a job... until I paid him to come here and applaud my speeches... if I am elected president... I will pay all Iraq War veterans to come and applaud everything I say. For America.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: The question is about Syria.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMartin O'Malley: Syria is a very serious issue... very serious. That's why I'm committed to making all the electricity green by 2050.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: No one even knows what that means.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMartin O'Malley: We need to rip all the ugly dirty fossil wires out our walls and replace them with clean green wires made by a company that gave me a lot of money... So this never happens again.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Does anyone have anything to say about Syria?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: I know all about Syria. I personally negotiated a ceasefire with Assad that ended the war. Because I get things done. I'm a progressive moderate who is consistently changing her views like any normal person who hides private email servers in a bathroom in the Fuhrerbunker.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: There's no ceasefire in Syria. The fighting is still going on.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: When I flew into the Damascus airport under fire, I remembered what my late mother told me...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: None of that ever happened\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: I had already negotiated an end to the fighting in Israel, Ireland and Yugoslavia...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EJim Webb: No, you didn't.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: And so I said to Assad, cut it out. Stop killing all those people. Because that's what real leadership is. And I'm a real leader. As a woman...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: SHUT UP. Look, this is real simple. Assad is the 1 percent. We kill all the 1 percent and there will be WORLD PEACE. We kill the 1 percent in America and Syria and all over the world in some sort of...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: International worker's revolution?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: Exactly, for the middle class, which is the backbone of our country. Until we DEBONE them and put them in GULAGS.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EChafee: I support twice as many gulags as Senator Sanders. And make them twice as cold.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMartin O'Malley: Under my leadership, we actually made gulags in Maryland. I passed the Right to Gulag Act and we had overflowing gulags. Except we called them prisons and they were full of black people and green electricity.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Alright, what the hell. Secretary Clinton, do you believe we should send the middle class to Gulags.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: Anderson, as a woman and a leader who is respected by donors around the world, I believe that we need to come together around solutions that work. Gulags for the middle class are just not realistic. I appreciate Bernie's passion for Gulags. I know he loves Gulags from my time working with him in the Senate. And I know many people think we need Gulags.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Are you for or against sending the middle class to Gulags?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: It's not a simple issue. I believe we can get the same effective results as Gulags without the Gulags by raising tax rates for everyone whose last name isn't Clinton to 100 percent, abolishing the Constitution and forcing everyone to move to Madison, Wisconsin.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: The audience isn't applauding. It seems to want Gulags.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHillary Clinton: As I've always said, I'm for Gulags, but we can't get the Gulags done without experienced leadership and no one has more experience with Gulags than I do. I've seen Gulags in North Korea and China and I believe we can do better. We don't just need Gulags, we need Smart Gulags. We need Gulags that will be role models for our children as they are raised by the Gulags.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: TALK, TALK, TALK. A Bernie Sanders administration isn't going to talk about sending political dissidents to GULAGS. It's ACTUALLY going to do it. Bernie Sanders will fight to Gulag everyone opposed to his policies. Bernie Sanders will Gulag Wall Street. Bernie Sanders will Gulag the Wall Street Journal. Bill Sanders will Gulag you, if you don't vote for him.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Do you really think that sending everyone to Gulags is an electable platform?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: HELL YES. We just need millions of people coming together to Gulag everyone who doesn't want to give them free college, free pot and free Gulags. RIGHT NOW there are 100,000 community organizers at centers around the country drawing up lists of who to Gulag.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnderson Cooper: Do you see any obstacles to this plan to put 50 percent of the country in arctic prison camps?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBernie Sanders: Global Warming. If the ice melts, how are we going to keep them in the Gulags?"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/feeds\/4156579283321241699\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2015\/10\/ladies-and-gentlemen-democratic-debate.html#comment-form","title":"30 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/4156579283321241699"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/4156579283321241699"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2015\/10\/ladies-and-gentlemen-democratic-debate.html","title":"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Democratic Debate"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Daniel Greenfield"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/13575285186581875356"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"20","height":"32","src":"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ywx0Wkms-cU\/Vm75eobzYVI\/AAAAAAAAPg0\/kAlR7rDxOIc\/s113\/picture%2Bnewspapery%2Bsmall.jpg"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-D0nv5lKDGl8\/Vh6L1Tt-QUI\/AAAAAAAAPX4\/1SeOpRFwZaY\/s72-c\/demdebate1.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"30"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11368628.post-6427815895803655651"},"published":{"$t":"2014-04-26T23:24:00.000-04:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2014-04-28T18:33:18.114-04:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Satire"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Introducing the Envia Discord 2015"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"PRESS RELEASE\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThese days every car company claims that their latest model is environmentally friendly no matter how much it pollutes the planet and makes Indians standing by the side of a road cry bitter tears.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-AaRueAFWX6w\/U1p1RxCTQ0I\/AAAAAAAANtw\/l9QMGlD5-sk\/s1600\/1954-mi-val-tipo-mo-mivalino.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-AaRueAFWX6w\/U1p1RxCTQ0I\/AAAAAAAANtw\/l9QMGlD5-sk\/s1600\/1954-mi-val-tipo-mo-mivalino.jpg\" height=\"192\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003EBut what does environmentally friendly really mean? At Envia Motors, we set out to make a car without concessions to speed, performance or handling because we put the environment first.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFueled by a dream and two billion dollars in government grant money, we challenged ourselves to see whether four community organizers with no technical knowledge or skill could create a car that would become a compulsory driving experience.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd with the Envia Discord 2015, we succeeded beyond your wildest mandated imagination.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Discord isn't just a car. It's a political experience. It speaks to our yearnings and aspirations. And it has plastic skis permanently attached to the roof so it looks like you're always heading to a ski weekend even when you're going off to pretend to work at a non-profit to help inner city children.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EEnvia is all about choice. That's why the Discord 2015 comes in every color from Avocado Green to Plantain Green so that you can have your Green Car... just the way you like it.\u0026nbsp; \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBut the Discord isn't just environmentally friendly. Its commitment to social justice begins with steering wheels at every seat so everyone can drive. Studies show that even in multiracial families, white males are most likely to be the drivers and the Discord uses engineered disruption to sabotage the patriarchy.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ELike the progressive movement, the Discord has no brakes. Because once we're moving Forward, there's never a reason to stop.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Envia Discord 2015 also has no seat belts or airbags because... check your privilege. Most people of color around the world lack these things and it's only your sense of entitlement that leads you to expect that a car company should value your life more than that of a person of color.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESome might say that the Discord is missing something, but we prefer to think of it as the meaningful absence that the Discord brings into your life. We didn't just leave out things that every other car has to save money. With a sticker price of $395,000, that obviously was never an issue. Instead we did it as part of our mutual commitment to changing how we envision what a car is.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ECar companies have encouraged consumers to see their vehicles as property to protect against the economically challenged. Envia Motors disrupts the capitalist system of property and theft by taking all the locks off the doors, the trunk and the ignition.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnyone can enter and drive a Discord once they undergo a privilege check that connects the driver by remote satellite link to an organic public intellectual with a PhD in Social Justice. And to make it even easier, the Discord automatically advertises its location on Craigslist at every stop and encourages the oppressed urban workers and peasants to make off with it.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EDespite Envia's best efforts no member of an oppressed group has chosen to redistribute a Discord, that is why we are committed to spending more money on outreach to traditionally oppressed groups. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWhile the Envia Discord 2015 may not have brakes, seat belts, airbags, locks or a windshield (check your privilege), the money that could have gone to those entitled safety features was instead spent on turning its bumper into an HD screen that automatically pulls the latest social justice hashtags from Twitter and displays them as bumper stickers.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Discord 2015 is inclusive. Its seat cushions, woven out of fair trade whole grain fibers by Yamadu Indians in Bolivia, accommodate a variety of sizes and shapes. Its cup holder can blend wheatgrain smoothies and can perform emergency sex change operations for those who want to give up their cisgender privilege.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EEnvia Motors has also reached out to the Muslim community by programming the Discord 2015 to explode when it hears the words, \"Jihad\", \"Allahu Akbar\" or \"Shiite.\" It will also explode when its internal CPU, which is always monitoring your conversations, hears anything racist, homophobic, transphobic, cisgender, heteronormative or any other thoughtcrimes from a list that is constantly being updated through the cloud.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESometimes the Discord 2015 will just explode for no reason. Check your privilege. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EUnlike consumer cars, the Discord has no manual. Instead it has a six year graduate course that takes you through the intricacies of Western capitalism and invites you to understand your complicity in the oppression of others.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIf you refuse to educate yourself, it's your own fault.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThere is also no help line. The expectation that white people should have unlimited access to the time of trans bisexual people of color is an insidious form of privilege. And our help line, which doesn't take calls, is entirely manned by trans bisexual people of color.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ECheck your privilege. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EEveryone knows electric cars have a higher carbon footprint than ordinary petrol death machines. That's why the Discord isn't an electric car. You can put in any number of sustainable environmentally correct fuels into its tank from seaweed smoothies to Iranian Uranium... but it still won't run.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThat's because the Discord is powered by people power. Literally.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETo make the Discord move forward, just rope a dozen members of the bourgeois middle class to its fair trade tenterhooks. Then crack a sustainable fair trade whip over their heads until they begin moving forward at a brisk trot taking you to a conference on income inequality or to your executive offices at the Department of Health and Human Service... just in time for your four hour lunch break.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-4D2clnffnmQ\/U1p2JTKZSuI\/AAAAAAAANt4\/lgcwa-7vbr0\/s1600\/Road-Sign-New-Paradigm-Ahead.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-4D2clnffnmQ\/U1p2JTKZSuI\/AAAAAAAANt4\/lgcwa-7vbr0\/s1600\/Road-Sign-New-Paradigm-Ahead.jpg\" height=\"212\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003EWe won't lie to you. People have died in the making of the Discord 2015. And they will go on dying as Discords driven by multiple drivers with no brakes careen through urban environments leaving a trail of death in their wake. But people have always died fighting for social justice.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Discord isn't just another car, it's a vehicle for social justice, and the blood on its grill, dashboard and tires demonstrates Envia's commitment to a better world at any cost.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAt any cost.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe deaths of your loved ones at the hands of the Envia Discord 2015 invite you to check your privilege. Automobile accidents are a First World problem. In most of the world, no one can even afford to be hit by a car. The life expectancy of a child in Africa is less than 5 minutes. The gasoline that fuels ordinary petrol death machines is made out of the congealed blood of Iraqi children.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBefore you join that heteronormative transphobic class action lawsuit against Envia Motors, check your privilege and ask yourself, \"How much am I willing to sacrifice for social justice?\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Discord 2015. Coming soon to California and parts of Rhode Island."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/feeds\/6427815895803655651\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2014\/04\/introducing-envia-discord-2015.html#comment-form","title":"18 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/6427815895803655651"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/6427815895803655651"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2014\/04\/introducing-envia-discord-2015.html","title":"Introducing the Envia Discord 2015"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Daniel Greenfield"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/13575285186581875356"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"20","height":"32","src":"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ywx0Wkms-cU\/Vm75eobzYVI\/AAAAAAAAPg0\/kAlR7rDxOIc\/s113\/picture%2Bnewspapery%2Bsmall.jpg"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-AaRueAFWX6w\/U1p1RxCTQ0I\/AAAAAAAANtw\/l9QMGlD5-sk\/s72-c\/1954-mi-val-tipo-mo-mivalino.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"18"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11368628.post-3986441293869625750"},"published":{"$t":"2014-04-20T01:42:00.000-04:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2014-04-28T18:33:28.957-04:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Satire"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Not With a Bang"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"General Brighton waited quietly by the sofa while the President of the United States swiped the screen of his iPad and began another game of Angry Birds. Bright colors and loud noises drifted up from the screen which had completely absorbed the attention of the Commander in Chief.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-auZ-dqY6FvE\/U1NdMN4FZ5I\/AAAAAAAANtI\/S72-_4kbhSw\/s1600\/obama3.jpeg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-auZ-dqY6FvE\/U1NdMN4FZ5I\/AAAAAAAANtI\/S72-_4kbhSw\/s1600\/obama3.jpeg\" height=\"185\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003EThe Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff had not been asked to sit down and he had learned early on that Obama was very sensitive about members of the military usurping his authority. The last time he did it, he had been asked if it was \"a racial thing.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EInstead he remained standing while a fly slowly circled his head like an orbiting satellite. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"So we're on for the conference,\" Obama said, without taking his eyes off the iPad. His legs were curled up behind him on the sofa and his neck was craned over as if he were trying to physically project his body into the game.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt was a stance that Brighton often saw on his teenage boys.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Completely.\" Valerie Jarrett drifted in from somewhere. Brighton had gotten used to her appearing out of nowhere with the covert skills of a Special Forces team.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"I shake the Iranian guy's hand and then I make a speech. Damn.\" Obama winced as unhappy sputtering noises rose from the game. Something had gone wrong.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EValerie affectionately patted his head. \"You'll get it right next time.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Commander in Chief of the United States shook her hand away. \"I know I'll get it right next time,\" he said, without looking up. \"I don't need you to tell me that.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Of course you don't. You're too smart for that.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"I know I am,\" he mumbled, swiping again.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EGeneral Brighton's face paled. He had thought it was a bad idea when the White House first suggested it. Modernization was good and these were changing times, but there was too much that could go wrong. Still Valerie had insisted and she had gotten her way.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe general had served in Vietnam, but his stomach had never churned as much acid as when his boss had gotten an iPad because next to a dozen Angry Birds apps was one app defined by a bright red button labeled NUCLEAR BUTTON. One wrong tap could reduce the world to a cinder.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EObama paused with his finger in mid-air. \"What about the military preparations?\" \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Well we have one carrier in the region in case anything goes wrong,\" General Brighton said. \"We would have had two if not for the cutbacks.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHis boss frowned in that look which meant that he thought his failure to understand the answer was someone else's fault. \"Why do you need two aircraft carriers for a gay wedding? Are the two grooms going to come in on separate aircraft carriers that are going to dock together?\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"What gay wedding,\" General Brighton said, and cursed inwardly a moment too late. Maybe he could have gotten the budget for the second carrier restored.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EObama sighed with patient impatience. \"We talked about this. Didn't we talk about this Valerie?\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EValerie seemed to materialize in front of Brighton out of thin air glaring angrily up at him with the air of a poodle pretending that it's a bulldog. \"Every branch of the service is supposed to hold a gay wedding. Barack thinks it's of the highest priority.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"My apologies, Ma'am,\" General Brighton said wearily. \"I thought he might have been referring to Iran.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EValerie Jarrett's hand slapped his face, or the air underneath it, which was as close as she could reach. \"There are no military preparations for Iran. None whatsoever! This is a peace conference! Have those Jews gotten to you?\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"I'm a Lutheran,\" Brighton said. This wasn't strictly true as he had stopped believing in any higher power after his first visit to the White House and then he had started believing again after the first dozen times that his Commander in Chief had managed to not blow up the world using his iPad and then lapsed again after being made to supervise his third gay wedding.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Wait a minute,\" Obama said, absently raising one hand without taking his eyes off the screen. \"What if we bring two carriers together to have a gay wedding in Iran at the peace conference?\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EGeneral Brighton began to pray. He was no longer sure for what. It might have been a bolt of lightning. Or a premature retirement to somewhere safe. Maybe Mars.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Sweetie.\" Valerie was all sweetness and light again as she rushed over to him. \"I don't think that would be a good idea.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Why not?\" Obama demanded petulantly. \"Just because I came up with it? You never want to do anything I say.\" \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Tell him General,\" Valerie demanded.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Uh well,\" General Brighton stammered. \"The Iranian regime isn't too terribly fond of gay marriage.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EObama shook his head. \"Where did you get that idea? I'm disappointed. I thought we got all those Islamophobic trainers out of the military.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"They hang them,\" Brighton said desperately. \"They lock them up and hang them.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Is this a racial issue?\" Obama demanded, frowning at his iPad. \"It's always a racial issue with you guys.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"It's what is,\" Brighton said weakly. He didn't ask what race had to do with it. He had learned better.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-XK37V3FANmI\/U1NdYP-s6RI\/AAAAAAAANtQ\/ypyKegpIKVg\/s1600\/valerie-jarrett-obama.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-XK37V3FANmI\/U1NdYP-s6RI\/AAAAAAAANtQ\/ypyKegpIKVg\/s1600\/valerie-jarrett-obama.jpg\" height=\"217\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\"That's enough,\" Valerie snapped. \"The President doesn't want to hear from you anymore.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff wasn't paying attention to her anymore. The fly was no longer circling his head. It was preparing to land on the iPad on the sensitive capacitive screen of the mobile device right over the red button.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Sir,\" he began.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"What?\" Obama snapped, finally looking up at him.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"If you could just play another game of Angry Birds. Right now,\" General Brighton said, sweat beading on his forehead.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Is that vital to national security?\" Obama asked.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"You have no idea how much, sir.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Don't say I don't ever do anything for the military.\" Obama shrugged and tapped the Angry Birds app just as the fly landed.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EGeneral Brighton mopped his forehead. It had been another close one. He didn't know how many more of these he could take.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E*\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOsama bin Laden woke up staring at the ceiling of his council house in Tower Hamlets. Through the wall he could hear his three wives making their morning preparations in the next room over, which consisted of them hitting each other while cursing in the name of the Prophet.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThey were on the waiting list for something larger, but the Islamophobic local authorities were delaying. As far as the authorities were concerned, Osama's name was Mohammed Hamid Rahman Abu Mamza with a few random Abduls, Mahmouds and Abus thrown in there for good measure. These days though he suspected that he could come out of the closet and get the new council house even faster.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENext to him lay the Pakistani boy who had been a parting gift from the Taliban and their Pakistani intelligence masters in exchange for putting as many kilometers as possible between him and them. By then the Egyptians had been running the whole operation and had squeezed him out of his own organization.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-YLEAyfxhfQ0\/U1NdtFMkdSI\/AAAAAAAANtY\/xuEMdLkSDpM\/s1600\/article-1379150-0B70045C00000578-323_468x310.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-YLEAyfxhfQ0\/U1NdtFMkdSI\/AAAAAAAANtY\/xuEMdLkSDpM\/s1600\/article-1379150-0B70045C00000578-323_468x310.jpg\" height=\"211\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\"Egyptians,\" Osama bin Laden mumbled to the cracked ceiling. \"Every one of them claims to be a doctor. You can't find a falafel vendor in Cairo who isn't a doctor of something. Snakes all of them. They're as bad as Syrians.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt was no use. No one was listening. No one cared.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHe thought sometimes of setting up a website. Videos on news networks were so old. Tariq talked of something called Twitter. He could make an account. Get his message of a world Caliphate out. Get back to the way it had been before the Egyptians had taken over.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBut he knew it wouldn't work.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Americans had killed that double of his whom the Pakistanis had set up as a decoy. It had gotten their man reelected for another term in the White House. If he ruined all that, he wasn't worried about Scotland Yard, but Pakistan's ISI had made it clear that they would do things to him that he couldn't even imagine. And with his ties to the Saudi royals, he didn't have to imagine very hard.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHe shook Tariq awake. \"Come on. We've got to get to St. Paul's early if we're going to sell t-shirts to the tourists.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe t-shirts said, \"My friend went to London and all I got was this lousy shirt.\" It wasn't Al Qaeda. But it kept his wives in ugly jewelery. And it was something to do.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E*\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Three bombs,\" General Bakseesh said. He knew it already, but he liked repeating it anyway. \"We only need one for the peace conference.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"And one for Tel Aviv and one for New York,\" General Hosseini added. \"And that's just the beginning.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThere were a lot of generals in the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. More generals than men, especially after the latest debacle in Syria. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"The Americans think we're still three months away. The Israelis think we're a week away,\" General Bakseesh said. \"This achievement is a tribute to our intelligence and our dedicated patriotic workers.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe workers were mainly political prisoners who died after a week's exposure to radiation and were buried in mass graves. When their numbers ran out, they imported Bangladeshi workers. There had been some noise over the killing of so many Muslims, who hadn't even been found guilty of anything under Sharia law, but four other generals had pointed out that Iran was at least giving the Bangladeshi migrant workers a quick death.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThat was more than Saudi Arabia, Kuwait or Qatar gave them.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWorking without anything resembling safety precautions had allowed the Iranian nuclear program to advance by tremendous leaps and bounds. Or it would have if Iranian Revolutionary Guard generals hadn't been slowing it down with lucrative contracts.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EGeneral Bakseesh and his father-in-law owned two-thirds of a concrete company that had caused at least one nuclear disaster due to shoddy construction. It hadn't been entirely deliberate, but it had doubled their take. He knew that General Hosseini and his three son-in-laws controlled mining interests and had taken extensive bribes from Chinese business interests.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMeanwhile General Mohammedi had taken to outright sending Revolutionary Guardsmen to smash up nuclear equipment for his company to replace while blaming it on the Zionists. It was so blatant that at some point he would have to be dealt with. As soon as he could convince Hosseini to come in with him on taking over Mohammedi's company.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Do you know some of those infidels say that the Islamic way of life is harsh,\" General Bakseesh said, shaking his head. He couldn't see it himself.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWith his three Porsches and illegal satellite TV that allowed him to catch up on the best episodes of the Shahs of Sunset, his four mistresses, eighteen companies and ability to have any ordinary person killed, he didn't understand why everyone wasn't a Muslim.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E*\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBrett Kennedy sweated as he looked at the screen of his Macbook Air. The famous Hope poster of Obama hung just behind his head, next to one of Ron Paul and another of Edward Snowden. His hard drive was packed with misspelled bomb manuals, even though he lacked the manual dexterity to screw in a lightbulb, and child pornography, even though it held no interest for him, to send him to prison despite his distant, eight times removed, relationship to the Kennedy family, or his father's job as Undersecretary of Diversity Planning at the Department of Health and Human Services.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-C1mAHVRpt0M\/U1NeFBhK-OI\/AAAAAAAANtg\/pL0vSqLUpB4\/s1600\/brandguy-fawks-mask.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-C1mAHVRpt0M\/U1NeFBhK-OI\/AAAAAAAANtg\/pL0vSqLUpB4\/s1600\/brandguy-fawks-mask.jpg\" height=\"192\" width=\"320\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003EThe scrawny teenager, officially Breton Kennedy IV, had been desperately trying to rebel against his family. He wasn't very good at it though his family of wealthy anti-war activists turned bureaucrats did their best to encourage him, even hiring a Natural Rebellion Adviser for six hundred bucks an hour.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThat had infuriated him even more. The Adviser, kept quoting Noam Chomsky and talking about the Zeitgeist. Brett had told him to go to hell and the elderly hippie had told him he was on the right track.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHis Twitter account, automatically retweeting the latest Anon news, had a Guy Fawkes mask, but he hadn't even managed to hack his father's WiFi password. He suspected there wouldn't even be anything interesting there anyway.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAt this rate, he would never be anonymously famous.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHe had finally managed to piggyback onto his father's Federal cell network access and troll for files, but there were just smiling photos of government employees at cocktail parties looking smug and self-satisfied. A bunch of HUD executives were flashing gang signs in Georgetown while balancing plates of shrimp. It was just too much.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBrett was just about to give up when he came across an iTunes account POTUS2008.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"No way,\" he said. \"It can't be.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EDespite having the hacking skills of one of those Georgetown shrimp, he had found programs that would do nearly all the work for him. One of those brought up the contents of the target's iPad on his screen.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBrett rolled his eyes. \"Angry Birds, Angry Birds, Angry Birds. Stupid capitalist scum.\" Then he spotted one that looked interesting. It was probably just a game. It had to be. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENUCLEAR BUTTON.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHis finger hovered over the trackpad as he hunted feverishly through his own iTunes account for the right gangsta rap to play while destroying the world."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/feeds\/3986441293869625750\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2014\/04\/not-with-bang.html#comment-form","title":"17 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/3986441293869625750"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/11368628\/posts\/default\/3986441293869625750"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.danielgreenfield.org\/2014\/04\/not-with-bang.html","title":"Not With a Bang"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Daniel Greenfield"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/13575285186581875356"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"20","height":"32","src":"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ywx0Wkms-cU\/Vm75eobzYVI\/AAAAAAAAPg0\/kAlR7rDxOIc\/s113\/picture%2Bnewspapery%2Bsmall.jpg"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-auZ-dqY6FvE\/U1NdMN4FZ5I\/AAAAAAAANtI\/S72-_4kbhSw\/s72-c\/obama3.jpeg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"17"}}]}});