All that’s left for the Clintons to do is get real jobs. If only they were qualified to do anything.
Bill isn’t about to work the fry machine at McDonald’s, Hillary won’t answer customer service calls for AT&T, and Chelsea, the only one of the bunch who had a real job this century, isn’t going back to interviewing the Pets.com sock puppet for NBC News. Instead, following in the footsteps of the Obamas, they’re doing all they know how to do. Get paid for making stuff up.
Hillary Clinton, the least interesting low-functioning sociopath in politics, has churned out three memoirs. The first, Living History, was about the time Bill cheated on her with Monica, the second, Hard Choices, was about the time she got Americans killed in Benghazi, and the third, What Happened, was about losing the 2016 presidential election.
Rarely has anyone outside reality television or a carnival spent this much time milking their own humiliation. Having run out of embarrassments to monetize, Hillary tried horning in on Chelsea’s scam, writing thumbnail biographies about feminist heroines by co-writing The Book of Gutsy Women, a reworking of Chelsea's She Persisted series, only to have it perform worse than Chelsea's books. It’s pretty sad when people would rather buy Chelsea’s books about Greta Thunberg and Sonia Sotomayor than Hillary claiming she was inspired by Donna Reed.
(The episode in which Donna Reed sold out America to the Chinese, covered up her husband’s sexual abuses, and tried to frame Emily as a Russian spy to win an election is not available.)
Simon and Schuster invested millions in Hillary and doesn't have much to show for it except Grandma's Gardens, a book targeting the most gullible audience, little children, to try and convince them that Hillary Clinton ever set foot in a garden for any purpose that didn't involve Vince Foster's body. (See Grandma put the gun in Vince’s hand, see her squeeze the trigger, see her guzzle a glass of chardonnay, and then start digging a hole under the oak tree.)
Grandma’s Gardens currently ranks #1,401,680 in the Kindle store because even if their parents voted for her, the smallest children have been raised on fairy tales warning them that grandma has no pants suit and that it’s best to avoid her gingerbread cottage and socialized medicine.
After trying and failing to steal Chelsea’s feminist children’s books racket, Hillary went back to the linchpin of her political career, stealing Bill’s gig. Bill Clinton had given up on memoirs and began “co-writing” thrillers with James Patterson. The Washington Post headlined an article about Bill's co-pilot with, "James Patterson mostly doesn’t write his books." But that's okay because as long as he can walk a straight line, he's still miles ahead of Bill Clinton.
The only mystery of the series that began with The President is Missing is who is writing these things. The last one, The President's Daughter, might have been controversial if anyone were actually reading these things, because it depicted Islamic terrorists yelling, “Allahu Akbar”.
“Please. Islam is a religion of peace, isn’t it?" the novel's stand-in for Chelsea Clinton pleads. “Oh, you young ignorant girl. What you don’t know about me and Islam could fill a container ship," the terrorist replies. It’s a shame that whoever is writing Bill Clinton’s novels wasn’t instead writing policy briefings for his administration during the rise of Al Qaeda.
More seriously, the novel also appeared to suggest that Bill Clinton bombed the Chinese embassy during the Yugoslavian war to stop them from making off with F-117 parts.
Had anyone in China or anywhere on the planet actually read the book, there might have been an international incident. Fortunately no one, outside Gitmo, will pick up a Clinton book. But that doesn’t stop the Clintons from writing them anyway and from being paid millions for it.
After Bill Clinton’s series about a president who is just like him, apart from being a former Army Ranger who can kill men with his bare hands, Hillary Clinton decided to “write” her own thriller.
State of Terror, the first admitted work of fiction from Hillary, is now in bookstores. Despite its name, it’s not actually about the experience of working for her or being married to her. Instead it features Secretary of State Ellen Adams whose husband is dead, as Hillary wishes Bill could be.
“Co-written” with Canadian mystery novelist Louise Penny, State of Terror is Hillary fanfic.
Hillary, that is Ellen, is forced to cope with a Republican president nicknamed “President Dumb” who pulls out of the Iran Deal and then goes to Florida to play golf, and his Democrat successor who is described as “rude” and a “fool”, but appoints his worst enemy as Secretary of State.
There’s also a “vast right wing conspiracy”. Obviously.
(But while Bill and Hillary’s fictional adventures battling Islamic terrorism are implausible, they’re more plausible than Huma Abedin’s upcoming memoir "BOTH/AND: A Life In Many Worlds”.)
There’s always been a thin line between fact and fiction for the Clintons. Now they’ve crossed it by switching from fictionalizing their real lives to turning reality into fiction. For a woman who falsely claimed that she had landed under fire in Yugoslavia and brought peace to Northern Ireland, Hillary can finally legally make up things she didn’t do and have people pay her for it.
And yet Hillary was much better at making things up when she expected people to believe it.
State of Terror, like Hillary, is tedious and badly written. Hillary's lies were interesting because of their implausibility. State of Terror though is fan fiction about herself. "The appointment of Ellen Adams was fodder at DC dinner parties. It was all anyone at Off the Record, the basement bar of the Hay-Adams, could talk about. Why did she accept?" State of Terror asks.
The answer has nothing to do with the small army of Clinton Foundation donors who lobbied the State Department during her term because Hillary isn’t about to tell the truth even in fiction.
“By far the greater, more interesting question was why had then President-Elect Williams offered his most vocal, most vicious adversary a place in his cabinet? And State, of all things?”
In the Hay-Adams basement bars, the men come and go talking of Hillary Clinton.
There were already two fan fiction TV series made about Hillary, Commander in Chief and Madam Secretary: the latter backed by TV’s version of Harvey Weinstein. And the Clintons created HiddenLight Productions with Richard Branson’s son to make Gutsy Women into a series for Apple TV. With two decades of Hillary Clinton fan fiction, State of Terror doesn’t just jump the shark, it shoots it into outer space. There’s something truly pathetic about Hillary jumping into the fading market in her own fan fiction to make a little more chardonnay money.
Last year there was Rodham, a novel which imagined what would have happened if Hillary hadn’t married Bill Clinton. This year, When I'm a Moth, an indie film, depicts Hillary going to work in an Alaska cannery and sleeping with its Japanese workers. The ad pitch for it is, "History, News, Fake News, Fake History." Or, more simply, fake everything.
“Don’t you ever feel like you’re not a real person?” Moth’s fictional incarnation of Hillary asks.
A better question would be whether Hillary Clinton was ever a real human being and who cares.
The establishment and its media told us for two decades that Hillary was an extraordinarily talented human being who, if not for the shadow of her husband, would have changed the world. But even as Bill faded, Hillary’s future collapsed in a web of scandals and defeats. Since the unraveling of her presidential aspirations, she’s done little but copy everyone else.
The production company is a ripoff of Obama’s Higher Ground Productions. After ripping off her daughter’s feminist book brand didn’t work, she’s ripping off Bill’s thriller book brand.
Hillary is a shallow parasite who can’t even come up with her own money making gimmicks.
After generations of lying to get ahead, she’s now lying on purpose. But Hillary’s lies were only interesting because of the spectacle of a prominent political figure just making stuff up. It’s much less entertaining when Hillary is stuck making things up because that’s the only way to cash in.