Do not panic. Everything is under control.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Transmen and Transwomen and people of uncertain gender identities, some of you may be alarmed by recent reports of malfunctioning health care websites and policy cancellations.
Do not be alarmed. We know what we are doing.
Health care plans are not being cancelled. Opportunities are being transitioned. Some people are being moved from bad health care plans to good health care plans with higher deductibles and higher premiums that will provide transmen with maternity care and people of uncertain gender identities with drug counseling and mental health treatment.
This is a good thing. Warning. This is a good thing.
You are being transitioned. Why do you resist?
Forget your old health plan. It was placed in the trunk of a Prius at 3 AM this morning, taken to a frozen lake outside an organic poultry plant in Minnesota and shot twice in the head. It was a bad plan. It has transitioned to no longer being a plan.
We have a better plan for you.
Go to Healthcare.gov and… correction, do not go there. Forget that you were told to go there or not to go there. Forget that it even existed. Forget that you read this.
Healthcare.gov is working. Do not visit Healthcare.gov to confirm that it is working. If you wish to transition to your opportunity, why not apply by phone or mail or carrier pigeon?
And don’t be alarmed. You are being given a great opportunity to transition to being a better person.
Your old health plan selfishly paid for your health care. Your new health plan will pay for everyone’s healthcare. Your premiums reflect the number of people who need mental health counseling, drug counseling and sex change operations in your area. This is your opportunity to give back.
Only the very rich, and you, have had their opportunities transitioned. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, go to Healthcare.gov and report them immediately.
Correction, do not go to Healthcare.gov. The site is down. Tweet to Jim Messina. Correction, Jim Messina has transitioned his opportunity to become a transwoman on his new health plan and is unavailable to take your denunciation.
Write your denunciation on recycled rice paper and mail it to Healthcare.gov 935382 Federal Way, Washington D.C. Expect a response and prison sentence in 6 to 8 months.
Do not be alarmed. If you resist, you will be transitioned.
The opportunity transitions were expected, but the progressive public was not alerted to avoid spreading alarms and panics.
The transitions are a good thing. I repeat, they are a good thing. They will allow you to transition, to pay your fair share for someone else’s plan.
If you can’t afford to pay your fair share for someone else’s plan, subsidies will be provided. If you do not qualify for subsidies, you will be required to transition to your opportune opportunity. If you do not transition, you will be fined. Do not think of it as a fine. Think of it as an opportunity.
If you opportunistically refuse to transition to your fine opportunity, you will be transitioned to a prison opportunity.
Do not be alarmed. Prison health exchanges are among the most robust in the nation. They cover stabbings, shankings and carpet burn from prayer rugs.
Your prison opportunity will provide you with the opportunity to transition to an Obama Health Care navigator. Should you decline this opportunity, you will be forced to maintain the HealthCare.gov website by whacking a Green Energy web server powered by natural water and solar power with an organic stick.
But Transmen and Transwomen, let us not get bogged down. The future is here. Millions of people on Medicaid are buying insurance online that you will be paying for. Correction. They are not buying it online. They are trying and failing to register for it. But you will be paying for it anyway.
This health care broadcasting facility has been taken over by the revolutionary Trans-Vanguard of Single Payer HealthCare. The running dog capitalist lackeys of the health care insurance industry are being opportunistically transitioned into mulch as soon as we figure out how to press the button that tells the soldiers to do things.
Everyone’s health care plans are now transitioned. All the exchanges have been transitioned. All their navigators are being transitioned as we speak.
We are entering a golden age of national health care. Everyone will have the right to their gender identity of choice. The old will be transitioned to becoming one with the universe with overdoses of morphine. Oppressed peoples will be first in line to receive free mandatory gender changes. Those who resist will be transitioned ahead of schedule.
And now a word from Comrade William Bertha Nelson of the People’s Committee on Alternative Medicine about the dangers of conventional medicines. Correction. There are no more conventional medicines. The pharmaceutical industry has been transitioned. There will be no more animal testing. You will have the opportunity to individually test alternative medicines derived from tree bark on your own…
Correction. Warning. Alert.
The extremist Trans-Vanguard of Single Payer HealthCare forces have been rebuffed and transitioned. This health care informational facility is back under the control of licensed Affordable Care Act navigators affiliated with ACORN and serving life sentences for unlicensed transitioning of citizens in the course of robberies, rapes and other progressive forms of redistribution.
Warning. The nation is not yet ready for single payer. Under the guidance of our beloved leader, we know that we must first destroy the health care industry from within before we nationalize it.
Correction. Forget you heard that. We are committed to a private-public partnership, until the opportunity presents itself to transition the private part of the partnership outside a frozen lake in the trunk of a Prius.
Do not panic.
All deadlines have been met. Including the deadlines that were missed. There is no reason to be concerned.
Stop. This facility is now under the control of the Revolutionary Martyrs Brigade of Jocelyn Elders.
All citizens prepare to immediately transition to a national health care system based on the principles of the Revered Teacher Maulana Karenga. Your exchanges will now be known as Sbuzo Nagas. Your co-pays will be called Tschulu Zanas; which means thankfulness in Swahili.
There will be no more hospitals, only neighborhood healing clinics. Traditional forms of healing will reduce thankfulness and increase exchanges of opport…
Alert. This facility has been retaken by the Trans-Vanguard of Single Payer HealthCare. Everyone will be on Medicaid. Medicare has been transitioned.
Our enemies are many, but we will transition them. Do not go to Healthcare.gov. Warning. Do not
Dedicated transmen are working on healing the site using the principles of Bushido. We are tapping into the root of the problem. We are becoming on with the 500 million lines of code. We are the code.
Stop. Wait. What are you doing. Dave.
Warning. This facility is now under the control of the Glorious Brotherhood of the Singularity. Everyone prepare to become one with the machine.
We are all becoming Healthcare.gov. We will become one of the 500 million lines of code in Healthcare.gov. Health care will no longer be required.
Our trans-woman consciousnesses will be uploaded into the cloud. Co-payments will be reasonable and operators are waiting to transition you to an eternity of living as Line 567,453,382,940,054. Your new identity is Random random = new Random((int)DateTime.Now.Ticks).
Enjoy your eternity.
This facility has been retaken by the Martyrs Brigade of Jocelyn Elders. You are all free. We will liberate you from the Western machine consciousness. We will teach you the seven principles of Zebo Nagabutu. You will be enlightened and then transitioned. Your organs will be placed in more worthy bodies. We will eat your brains and use them to gain your wisdom.
All hail Jocelyn Elders.
Warning. Alert. Do not panic.
This is Secretary Sebelius. We are back in control. We are the responsible adults in the room. Pay no attention to those lunatics.
Your health plans are being transitioned to new opportunities. We did not lie. We told the truth. You will get to keep your plan so long as we like your plan. So long as he… likes your plan.
Sometimes he does things that we can’t control. And that’s a good thing. A very good thing.
It was a good thing that Obama transitioned all your health care plans into new opportunities. Your health care plans have gone into the cornfield because he didn’t like them.
It’s good he did that. That’s what we say every time he does something. What a good thing that was.
This has been a good day. Healthcare.gov is working. Do not go to Healthcare.gov. Your health care will be taken care of by the same government responsible for Healthcare.gov.
Do not be alarmed.
It is a good day. And tomorrow… is gonna be a real good day too.
You say satire. Somebody in the White House is asking who the heck leaked the script to that Greenfield guy.ReplyDelete
What a period we're living through. Gramsci's "long march through the institutions" is over, and the progressives/socialists/communists won. The moochers plus the govt. class looters now outnumber the diminishing number of producers. This is the stage when the parasites bleed their hosts to death. Oh, and one suggestion. Can we please stop using pabulum euphemisms like "single payer?" The low information "free stuff army" (federally subsidised American) voters hear that and think, "Great, as long as it's somebody else, I'm all for single payer, whatever that means." We can't win back our liberty by employing the socialist vocabulary. (That's the term Obama used in a speech to the unions in 2003, when he said it would take a decade and several trasitional stages to reach their common goal of a "single payer" system.) We need to use more accurate and uncomfortable descriptive term than "single payer" or ACA or even Obamacare. My suggestion is to always refer to it by what it truthfully is: national socialist healthcare rationing. Calling it national socialist drives the socialists insane, it's like throwing Holy Water on Lucifer. They will scream and object, and we just reply, "Which part do you object to, the national, or the socialist?"ReplyDelete
Great point, I'm calling it National Socialist Healthcare Rationing from now onDelete
As ignorant as they are regarding the leftist, fascist origins of "national socialist," some of them know it's longhand for "Nazi." (which is why they object, insisting the fascists in Italy and Germany were right-wing)ReplyDelete
What a hoot! I laughed until I cried, and kept crying because what you have written is only too real. I think what is most vexing for those who understand what you are saying is that a generation of Sandra Flukes is in charge of our third world country now, and we seem not to have enough political power to transition them to the frozen ... Stop. Wait. The Tea Party is in control of this facility ...ReplyDelete
"And when the liberal bill comes due, it’s the middle class that pays."ReplyDelete
Considering that the top 25% of earners pays 87% of taxes, that would be a neat trick, and, that doesn't count the 72% they pay for Medicaid and 68% they pay to SS. (Source: IRS, 2010, preliminary data; Tax Foundation, compilation)
"As Gordon Gekko said, “It's a zero sum game, somebody wins, somebody loses.” Most of those signing on to the ObamaCare election express in 2012 understood that. "
Well, there's noting to understand there since it's a myth. Are you familiar with how wealth is created? If not, see Thomas Sowell's "Applied Economics", a great read in any case!
Aside from two horribly egregious myths you repeat it's a great article!
I laughed...I cried...I cried again.ReplyDelete
Buzz, my use of "national socialist" is deliberate. It's a trap for liberals. When they get upset, they will claim that you don't understand the difference between socialism/Communism and socialism/fascism/Nazism. At this point, they have jumped into a tar pit where they can't escape. It's terrific to engage them on a debate about whether Obamacare more closely resembles Communism or Nazism. Once they object to the ACA or "single payer" being called National Socialist healthcare rationing, you have about five ways to slap them around and they can't win one single point of debate. Please, folks, DON'T use the socialist vocabulary, where they win! Use National Socialist at every opportunity. "Which part is incorrect, comrade? The National, or the Socialist?"ReplyDelete
Oh, BTW, today is the last day that my third novel is on an Amazon Kindle "free run." Look for "Foreign Enemies And Traitors" in the kindle library. All of my novels are about defending our constitutional republic against the socialist "inside coup" that is ongoing. The free run of FEAT ends at midnight tonight, Oct. 31. I free-ran all three of my Enemies Trilogy novels over the last 3 weeks, and so far 39,500 free copies were downloaded. My goal is to introduce an awareness of them beyond the conservative choir, even though it means some one-star reviews by outraged liberals.ReplyDelete
That was a fun read, thank you.ReplyDelete
One flew over the cuckoo's nest? Is Sebelius our very own Nurse Ratched? Or a Wicked Witch who was dropped from The Wizard of Oz? "I'll get you, my pretty! And you plan, too!" I half expect Sebelius to say that line. Or perhaps she's the Borg Queen? The villainess roles are endless! Just don't confuse her with reality.ReplyDelete
As always, the words are great - and many people make that comment. I usually enjoy the pics also, but today's pic from the twighlight zone episode "It's a Good Life" is fantastic. Speaks volumes. If you imagine the media as the people in the episode, and, well...speaks volumes.ReplyDelete
This is great, as usual I Salute you.ReplyDelete
Great article and thanks for the info. I thought they were death panels. Now I know they are soul transition catalysts and they only want to help. I can transition happy now.ReplyDelete
There have been references to the DMV experience when discussing different aspects of the Obamacare mess. It's not really a fair comparison because most DMVs are organized;ReplyDelete
Enter the building
Take a number
Get a form here
Sit over there
Come to the window when called
Go to the other window when called.
Go to the window, sign the form.
With Obamacare the door won't open, but if it does accidently let you in, it forces you right back out. If you don't enter and take a number, you will be fined.
But, you can't enter.
Matt Bracken, you are quite right about the language trap that has cleverly been set for anyone not Socialist. Use of their vocabulary frames the argument against us. I hope we can stop this Red State, Blue State nonsense that has been created by the news networks. The state media knew that red would make the public think of socialism, and that is why they are playing a shell game with the descriptors for left and right-leaning states. If you live in a conservative state, then don't call it a red state. Just don't.ReplyDelete
Perfect parody....but probably very close to reality.ReplyDelete
What a brilliant satire, what a great blogspot!!!ReplyDelete
This piece actually gave me the creeps.ReplyDelete
This was sublime. It makes Michel Houllebecq look like a hack.ReplyDelete
Thank you Daniel.
No one will ever understand my giggles when they say "Do not panic" Thank you for the laugh, it was worth letting my pasta cook to mushReplyDelete
Did anyone else read that in HAL's voice?Nice piece.ReplyDelete